The Persona - Changing My Beliefs About My Own Beauty

by Rachel Doe  Dec 1, 2015
The Persona - Changing My Beliefs About My Own Beauty

I was at the Intensive arguing against my perfection with Nicole Daedone. Not that it was an argument I wanted to win; the only ammo I had I had boiled down to “some people are more perfect than other people.” Even if everyone was perfect in the philosophical sense, day to day other women received preferential treatment because of how culturally beautiful they were.

She told me about a photo she had seen in a magazine, of a woman who looked just like me, only with hair and makeup a bit more done. “The beauty that you’re thinking of is a persona,” she said. The truth of the statement landed immediately, but I’ve been slowly unpacking its intricacies.

I already have experience with one side of this already – of the culturally endorsed identity that had my soul feel safe and secure. But the archetype and the soul fused and I forgot that it was just the costume of an archetype. I was the anorexic who felt safe in the size 0 and but didn’t understand that her value wasn’t determined by her dress size.

At the height of my eating disorder I was blessed with the brief realization one morning that my weight on a scale was not inversely proportionate to my value as a human being. It was enough to get me to tell a friend that I thought I was in trouble, and from there to a psychologist. But the underlying belief persisted. It was a belief that being overweight wasn’t just gross or ugly or uncomfortable, but that it made me a bad person.

That was flaw in my strategy - being thin didn’t fix being bad. It wasn’t until I had been OMing for about a year that I started to distinguish between how I thought I was received and who I actually was.

So now it’s the flip side that I’m exploring.

Over a year of OM and after a ten-day deep immersion, my pussy now has a constant heat that varies from deep red to buzzy orange to throbbing black. As long as I check in with this sensation I feel unmovable, inevitable, endless. It has translated into being able to blast other people with attention, in a way that transmits that heat to them directly.

Its an experiential, not theoretical practice, so I don’t know what will happen next. I think that instead of being driven by the fear that without adopting a particular persona I’ll be rejected, isolated, forgotten, passed over, I’ll learn to consciously adopt different personas, from choice, with turn on and for fun.

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