The Killing Edge: Relationship In The Raw
by Marie-Elizabeth Mali Nov 16, 2015
In April 2014, I began the Coaching Program (CP) offered by OneTaste. I was two years out of my marriage, re-learning to navigate the world of dating and sex. I was new to OM, having just learned three weeks before. I decided to dive deep and do CP right away because a voice inside said yes, the quiet voice I’ve taught myself to listen to and follow, whether or not it makes rational sense.
I have always been monogamous, and at the first CP immersion I met someone I wanted to become lovers with who wasn’t. I’ve long looked at relationships as a ground for awakening but had thus far only approached them in a monogamous container. I decided to examine my conditioning and explore the world of non-monogamy in a conscious and research-oriented way.
How can I know what works best for me if I don’t try what I haven’t done? Can I stay conscious in a different form of relationship, one that seems like it would be more triggering for me? Can I learn to communicate well with everyone? Can I learn to stand on my own feet and not look to the relationship to affirm my self-worth (a more difficult endeavor since I am not the only woman receiving this man’s attention)? I had all these questions and more.
I wrote this poem as we started to get involved:
The Killing Edge
When a man you desire offers his love to you, don’t flinch because it’s not in the package you imagined. And when you do, because of course you do, see if he’s steady or if he flinches, too. Don’t parade a marching band of your faults by the dais in your head. Don’t put him on a golden throne and sit your ass on the ground. It’s your throne as much as his. Don’t hide your bruises and worm holes. Offer him the whole pear. Resist the temptation to conceal the core. Watch how he bites into the pear. Does he keep his eyes on yours? Does he let the juice run into his beard? Does he offer you a bite with his teeth? When he comes to your door and raises to you his hands filled with a glorious bouquet of women he already loves,
.......................................... pause. Ask yourself if love, instead of the idea of love, is what you want. Ask yourself what will serve the emerging parts of you. Ask yourself if you’re ready to dance on the blade of the sword, its killing edge. Challenge your fingers, gripped on the cracked branch of your longing, to let go. Challenge yourself to trust the ground falling away from your falling body. Let yourself land in the ocean, your true home, the ebb and rush of it, the vastness, the salt that floats you. Lean your head back and look at the sky. Offer him your naked throat.
In the four months that we were lovers, I learned to stay present with my feelings and communicate them. I learned that jealousy can be a turn-on. I learned that it can be fun to sit next to one of his other lovers and look at him across the room leaning close to talk with a new woman he probably wanted to fuck, enjoying the sisterhood, shared love, and wry humor in that moment. I learned that I enjoy the freedom to feel my desire for other men and negotiate with my lover to spend time with them.
I have a lot of desire. I can hold my own. I now know that the blade is my favorite place to dance.