My Sex is Not Separate From the Rest of Me
by Rachel Paz Nov 7, 2015
I've spent most of my life like this:
So, I unconsciously put my sexuality in lockdown. By not having permission to express it, I just completely forgot that it existed. And the only times it was allowed to come out and play tended to be when I’d had enough alcohol to be bold enough to let it be drawn out of me a little bit. (God, speaking of, I was at a club last night where I was probably older than the average Jane, and I felt so grateful that I’m not 21 anymore!)
And, this isn’t actually a conversation about sex and sexuality. (We are having a conversation, aren’t we?) It’s actually a conversation about what happens when we deny entire parts of ourselves.
While I am extremely capable and confident, there was this part of myself that I was judging as not acceptable/appropriate/good/ok enough to be integrated into the rest of my being. And when we ignore and/or reject entire parts of ourselves, there’s no way to be the brightest version of yourself, when there’s a part that remains hiding in the shadows.
I was talking with a girlfriend last week about how I used to do that in my OM (Orgasmic Meditation) practice. I came to the practice looking to tap more deeply into myself and uncover my life purpose. Yes, I knew there was a sexual element to the practice, and I was fine with experiencing the side benefits in my sex life, but I made it really clear to anyone who asked, “I’m not in it for the sexual part.” This was me again denying this part of myself.
I went out of my way to do this – my first partner was a man in his mid-60’s, someone I knew there was no chance of getting carried away with. I also spent a really long time not acknowledging when it felt good. I mean, someone was touching the most sensation-rich part of my genitals, for crying out loud!
There came a time when I was clear that I wanted my sexuality to be part of who I was, as a whole, and not in a box off to the side, to be taken out every once in a while. So I welcomed it to come on over with the rest of me. And, slowly, a bit reluctantly and excuse-laden, I did. I eventually dropped the excuses and the reluctance. Because, you know what? I feel more whole, more complete, than I ever have.
If circulation is cut off from an arm, eventually you lose the arm, no matter how much you do to keep the other parts of you healthy. So I could do yoga, meditate, and “life balance” all I wanted, but I wasn’t ever going to feel as bright as I do now.
So now I flirt with the cashier at the grocery store. Heck, I flirted with my child’s kindergarten teacher at a conference last week. (Hi, Ms. Jackson!) My sexuality is no longer something to be locked away. My sexuality is what has me writing this blog post and sharing with you so candidly. It is undoubtedly one of my greatest tools for shining my light brightly into the world. It makes other people feel good to see and feel someone so comfortable in her skin. It gives them permission to do the same..
Rachel Paz has a vision for every woman on the planet to get full and live from a place of desire. To read more of her journey on this path and to learn about the tools she offers, visit her website at RachelPaz.com.
Photo credit: Bobby Doherty