The Man I Get to Be On the Other Side of Male Conditioning
by Marcus Ratnathicam Nov 5, 2015
I’ve been OMing for five years and I feel in many ways I am just learning who I am. Here are a few things I am learning.
I am a deeply feminine man. Form does not come naturally to me.
I run a business. I feel my way through things, I have no moral problem with regularly changing my position on a decision. And I consider my last position to be just as right then as my current position is now.
I’m learning about integrity - doing what I say I'm going to do. I was never good at that, it just didn’t strike me as important, but now it’s starting to. I see a certain kind of solidity in people who have it and I want that for myself.
I do have a different kind of integrity. I have been a devout practitioner and messenger of Orgasm for five years. I believe in following whatever I feel my soul is called to do and I’ve always followed that. And I practice mercy.
It’s the part about attending the 5pm meeting I committed to attend that challenges me.
This of course drives some people nuts!
I teach men about male conditioning. For example, sometimes women do things which rub men the wrong way, simply because they want more connection with the men. For women, the upset emotions that the men express afterwards is the connection. The rule breaking was just a means. For example, maybe she’ll eat a bite of his food without asking. The funny part of teaching men this concept is that in my relationships, I’ve always been the food thief!
I don’t tell the guys that. I tell them I'm the man and I'm upset she broke my rules. It helps them get the lesson. But really it helps me too, because it’s been hard to come out as who I am. Five years and I am just now admitting this to myself! I am a man on this path, a stroker, a Priest in the lineage of Orgasm, and I often feel like a woman in a man’s body.
But that’s orgasm. The amazing thing for me about orgasm is that all parts of me get revealed and expressed. It feels a whole lot better than the strategies I’ve employed to be a man who I think I am supposed to be.
I mostly always have a more acute sense of ‘The Spot’, as we say in OM, than my girlfriends. In sex, in relationships, in the practice. By ‘The Spot’ I mean the true, resonant form. When it comes to fucking, I'm as honest as they come. I also have the dick. But the felt sense is a feminine trait.
I don’t believe most people’s boundaries. My whole life I’ve had the recurring experience of my attention and intention permeating people’s boundaries and that makes me resentful. I've always resented the burden of holding the trump card, and I've never really felt internally safe because I’ve never let all of myself out.
I don’t want to hold the trump card, I want to surrender.
I think I still have the trump, in a way. I know this deep thing I have. But I also feel the boundaries of those around me becoming stronger. I don’t have to threaten and test people with my attention the way I used to.
My deepest insides are best explained through imagery: a hysterical woman, arms flailing and screaming with rage - hoping, praying, that when the strong man wraps his arms around her, he’s strong enough to hold her thrashing. I want to thrash as ragefully as I can, I want to exert every ounce of fury I have in me, and as I try to burst open I will shake, only so I can feel your overwhelming strength as you double your grip. And then I will try to rip your eyes out.
I want you to win. It’s not about you and I, it’s about me and God. If you can’t restrain me then I can’t trust anything.
I spent my life not feeling anyone's restraint. I begged for it. Before I was 18 I committed enough crime to land me in prison for 30 years. I slept with my best friends’ girlfriends, I got high every day for 8 years. That's what I'm like. I keep pushing until I feel a limit.
In any arena of my life, I’ve always reached great heights - prolific relationships, incredible career achievements, periods of wealth - and similarly great falls. I’ve been asked to leave my business for 30 days, I’ve been put on probation (many, many times), I’ve suffered heart aching break-ups, and been body-searched by police visiting me at school.
Strangely (or not), I always welcomed those experiences with a deep sense of relief.
I have one friend, a very strong, loving, masculine one, who likes to pick me up when I’m down. He’ll drag me to the gym and lift weights with me, or take me to eat barbecue meat, or guide me on how to teach a room full of men about masculine conditioning. You know, manly things. I’m so grateful to him.
I am learning how to live in the world. Lately I feel my friends developing a strong “No”, and against the gravity of their boundaries I feel myself settling down. I’m starting to feel safe. I’m so grateful to them.
I’m learning a lot about myself now, too. For example how unsafe, how defective I’ve felt without Form in my life. These last two months have been like one long, extended exhale. I wonder for how much longer I will exhale, it feels so good. I feel myself softening, I feel more buoyancy in my joy and I see myself becoming more generous with it. I feel more independent, I feel closer to God. I feel stronger. I feel more like a man, too. My version of it.