Our Room, Our Relationship

by Chelsey Johnson  Nov 3, 2015
Our Room, Our Relationship

I feel like I should tell you all the pieces you don’t know: like, how I went from teaching preschool to Orgasmic Meditation. Or how I finally fell in love and found partnership by breaking my own rules. Or how saying yes to my desire brought me from the sunshine of Los Angeles to the “winter is coming” of Philadelphia.

Right now though, I want to talk about planning my bedroom.

Our bedroom. THE BEDROOM.

It will be the first room I’ve ever decorated with someone else. Growing up, I shared a room with my sister, full of hand-me-down furniture and rivalry. Then, I collected pretty things I felt represented me: posters, candles, and wrought iron to match my overwrought adolescent feelings. It evolved into a slightly more adult version of hippie, trying to be someone else’s idea of me. In my last phase, I lived as a gypsy, removing my masks, adventuring for the first time, and waiting to feel ready.

Now, I am about to move into my first bedroom in almost a year. And I will be doing it with my boyfriend.

It feels serious. Like…I-could-fuck-it-up serious. I notice where I tip-toe so I don’t hurt his feelings or offend his taste, as if resolving the issue of which rug to choose could mean true and lasting fulfillment together! As though everything between us shows up in this damned planning of our sleep space.

And it does. In fact, our OM’s and our bedroom planning feel much the same. I’ve experienced joy, excitement, anxiety, irritation, fatigue, even fear. It’s a perfect vehicle for me to see how important our relationship is to me, how much I want to be good for him, and how wanting to “get it right” sneaks up on me in pretty much everything. It pokes me where I am stuck and lights me up where I have talent. It reminds me that I want to create, to feel at home, and to have a sense of belonging. There is some part of me that needs to feel more security in order to let down my guard.

It reminds me that I want the foundation of our relationship to be becoming more of who we are, loving more of who we are.

So, I’m going to relax a little. Suggest we OM more. Let the bedroom come together in its own good time, and be what our partnership needs, instead of what I think it should be. I’ll keep owning my desires and remind myself that I don’t need any of them to feel complete. I’ll stay in the real game, the one of learning to see everything for the love that it is.

(And if we wind up with his green shag rug, that will look like love too.)