5 Ways to Electrocute Your Relationship
by Sue Eugenio Sep 1, 2014
There's a lot of relationship advice online. Maybe you've tried the "Ten Steps to Spice Up Your Sex Life" and "Six tips to reignite the Spark". Perhaps they contained some decent advice or perhaps you've heard it all before... over and over and over.
If you've already given the traditional advice a fair shot and you still don't have the intimacy, connection, and electricity you always hoped could be possible in your relationship, perhaps it's time to try something a little less traditional. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. So why not electrocute your relationship? If you want an electric love life, you're going to have to inject it with electricity.
Here are the top five ways to get started:
For the most part when we talk about penetrating, we're referring to the energetic and verbal sorts of penetration rather than physical penetration. In relationships, we often talk about having walls up. These are the fortifications we put up to protect the tender things inside. But whenever anyone can get past our walls, we feel so much more connected. You've probably had the experience of being with someone and feeling like you could "finally let your guard down". We'll often admit that we stopped bullshitting someone, dropped our walls and let them see us, and that we absolutely love when we find someone we can do that with.
But what is it about a person that would make us drop our walls? More often than not, such a person knows how to penetrate. Penetration is not about force or pressure, but rather the ability to open someone up with our attention and love. To penetrate is incredibly vulnerable because in order to do it, one must be wiling to reveal and be penetrated themselves. You can't make someone feel safe to reveal their most guarded tender selves if you don't first reveal your interest and care in knowing that part of them.
So how does one penetrate? The first element is attention. Your precise, curious attention on them can help them reveal a lot. You'll have to drop any agenda you may have and be willing to just put your attention on them without expectations. Next, you can only open up those tender places with love. Without love, even if you use logic and attention to gain some insight into what's going on behind the walls, they will snap shut again the moment they open if they can't feel the love. And finally, the more you can get vulnerable and give up your own game, the safer they'll feel to do the same. Which leads us to #2.
2. Give Up Your Game
In order to be penetrated it helps to give up your game. Practice letting down your own walls and revealing yourself next time you want to get through someone else's smokescreens. But even if your goal isn't to open someone else up with your own vulnerability, vulnerability just plain feels good. We're all familiar with the feeling of hunkering down and putting up our defenses. We often find ourselves in a state of conflict with our partners where we fear giving up any ground, lest they use it against us. The thing to remember there is that the one who gets vulnerable first always wins. In fact, when you get vulnerable, you both win. If the goal is to move from disconnection to connection, it is in your best interest to find a way to get tender. Giving up your game and revealing the parts of yourself you're afraid to show them will almost certainly do the trick. If you can do it with humility and from the desire to be connected, it makes those scary parts of you much easier to love. And that level of vulnerability feels so good, you'll see each other in a new light and want nothing more than to be near each other.
3. Lean Into Jealousy
In order to for you and your partner to feel more free with each other than without each other, you'll likely need to be willing to handle their jealousy and to experience jealousy yourself. The truth is we all enter into relationships initially as single people. When you were single you could do whatever felt natural.... whatever you desired. You could flirt with the waitress if you felt called to. You could have a whole evening out just with your friends whenever you wanted without ever having to consider another person. When we get into relationships, we often drop off the very parts of our personality that make us most compelling: the flirt, the seductive one, the free spirit. We do this out of notions of what's appropriate now that we're in a relationship and we do it in order to avoid triggering the other person's jealousy. But what we gain in comfort and security, we lose in spark, fire and electricity... Which leads me to #4
4. Be Willing to Have an Effect On Your Partner
Relationships should not always be a place for comfort and bliss. Sometimes the most electricity is found in the least comfortable moments. Tiptoeing around all of your partners preferences may be a way to avoid allowing them to ever see the parts of you they're uncomfortable with, but doing so sacrifices the chance for both of you to feel that dynamic tension that can make a relationship so hot. Picture Bender and Claire from The Breakfast Club, or Baby and Johnny from Dirty Dancing. In the movies the hottest couples often have little to agree about. It's the dynamic tension between their personalities and preferences that make their relationships electric. If any of those characters had tried to be more like their counterpart or attempted to hide the ways they were different from each other, there would be no friction to create sparks. So if your partner can't stand something that you love, rather than pretending you don't like it either, flaunt your passion for it. If you have a deep desire, don't let fear of affecting your partner stop you from pursuing it. Revel in the chance to make your partner feel a little uncomfortable. Chances are it will only increase the magnet between the two of you.
5. Break Your Own Rules
We all have rules. We construct them in order to avoid finding ourselves in vulnerable situations. We don't want to be mistreated or taken advantage of so we remind ourselves of the kind of treatment we expect and the kind of things we are allowed to desire. Our rules are there to keep us safe but often they have the effect of creating rigidity in our actions and our responses to others. They keep us from relying on our intuition and going with the flow. We create rules to maintain a sense of power and control, but they actually have the opposite effect of making us beholden to them, even when they don't serve us.
So what do you do when your rules don't serve you? That's right. You break them. Want some examples? Picture your "type". They may have a certain hair color, height, income level, and social status. Then imagine that you notice a person that doesn't have any of the qualities of your type but you can feel your body react whenever they're around. Maybe they're even the sort of person you'd be absolutely embarrassed to be seen in public with. What do you do? The answer is you definitely date them. Or at least flirt with them to see what's there. Likely there will be a lot of charge in the aversion you have for them and since your body is clearly activated by them, it's a safe bet there'd be a lot of electricity between you. But what if you're already in a relationship with someone who meets all your criteria? Well, couples usually have all sorts of rules within their relationships as well. Think about the unspoken agreements about what kinds of pillow talk are acceptable. Think about what kind of sex you consider to be allowed in your relationship. Couples, especially those that love and respect each other, often have some very rigid rules about what's acceptable in a loving relationship. Add in dynamics of good husband/wife or mother/father and our rules become even more exacting. With all those roles to abide by, it can feel very taboo to even consider revealing your desire to explore the naughtier, dirtier sides of sex together. But if you can bust through your own rules in this area, you can open the doorway to a relationship dynamic with much more electricity.
Simply put, surrender to what the deeper you desires even if it means breaking your own rules.