On Tops and Bottoms: The Symbiotic Nature of Surrender

by Ruwan Meepagala  Mar 14, 2014


A splendidly knotted rope cinches closed on my wrists and secure my arms above my horizontal body. My legs dangle over the duvee and suddenly feel very weak and far away. She appears from behind me, looks me dead in the eye, and tells me with surprising assertion exactly what she's going to do with body. I melt into the sheets. Over the next hour my higher thinking faculties dissolve into the ether. My body transports to a realm of pure sensation, ecstasy, and bliss. My brain's language center is active only long enough to produce a single word: Surrender.

My whole life I've had an issue with control, particularly with women. I had to have every event pre-planned. I had to determine what we did. I had to be on top...

Actually, my need for control was so bad that unless I was driving, I couldn't feel any pleasure. "Cowgirl" and the other woman-on-top variations were formalities in my sexual checklist before I could take the reins again.

Such a need for control comes from a fear of the unknown. In many ways it's a lack of faith in the organic creative process. We don't trust enough to let nature takes it's course, so we grasp for control because we think we can produce a better outcome. To control (making things happen) is the opposite of surrender (letting things happen.) Orgasm can only occur in the latter.

I didn't fully get the concept till a OneTaste Mastery immersion focused on BDSM. I had always been confused as the appeal of BDSM play. The idea of submitting and getting flogged always seemed unpleasant, whereas being the flogger and "dominating" seemed boring. Sure I'd spank and ass or whip out the fuzzy handcuffs time to time, but I just enacted such tools because intellectually I knew "this is what people with exciting sex lives do." I missed the whole point of the Top-Bottom energy dynamic.

The relationship of "Top" and "Bottom," similar to Stroker and Strokee, exists to bring both parties into realm of spontaneous creation (also known as Orgasm). Each partner serves a necessary role in the process.

The Bottom is there to provide the ignition, the power. He or she does this by going out of control, into the involuntary. Once free from the voluntary (deliberate controlling thought), a person can get off- experience orgasm. The thing is, you can't bring yourself out of control. In order to allow the power of organic spontaneity to be fully expressed through us, we need someone to hold the space.

The Top exists to create the structure and do whatever necessary to allow the Bottom to go out of control. This means providing the feeling of safety within the container and stroking. Yes the Top is like the driver and Bottom is the vehicle, but that doesn't mean the Top does just any old thing. There is a certain sequence and timing of actions that allows the vehicle to ignite and move both car and driver. The Top is there to feel the right actions and follow accordingly. In that way, the Top is the more surrendered position.

Ultimately, both partners want to build and tap into a shared creative power source between them, their orgasm. The symbiotic relationship of the roles, Top and Bottom, allow both people surrender- to release all control and let the current of sensation to flow through.

I look up at her eyes now intently untying the splendidly knotted rope from my wrists. My body is still convulsing like a eel plugged into a light socket plugged into a lightning storm. Aside from the spasms, I've barely moved an inch yet I'm burning up and completely exhausted. Bottoming is not the passive role I had thought it was. Getting off is a lot of work! She puts a hot hand on me and I know she's feeling it too. It, the orgasm we've just created together, cannot be owned nor reproduced. It can only be found through a very simple yet difficult verb.