Mothers and OM

by Nicole Gardner  Jan 24, 2014

And then there are the women who say to me, “oh no, I can’t put attention on my orgasm because I am a mother.” and the litany of reasons that follow from I don’t have time to I want to protect them from that.

Until, frankly, I just want to scream. I want to scream, “how dare you use your child in that way, as an excuse for less?” How dare you do that not just to you, but to your child and to everyone around you? How dare you be a carrier of the contagious idea that “good woman” means self sacrificing- that kind of “no no no, you sit, I’ll stand.” kind of identity that we have saddled ourselves with and been ridden to exhaustion on.

You who came to me tired and wired and running on fumes just like your mother and her mother-all who fought for our rights but stopped there in the middle and passed out because they, we, did not realize that rights without fulfillment is like sitting at a banquet without arms to eat.

I say to them, lets just imagine that you decided that you were going to get full, that you were going to put on your oxygen mask first. And how that would affect your child?

Because while you might not have perfectly white whites in your laundry you might actually be happy and have some free attention because your background attention would not be consumed by an underlying hunger, an aching body, a gnawing yearning that you would need to work to avoid.

That oxytocin deprivation so many women experience, the one that has symptoms like:

Fatigue and difficulty sleeping A muffin top on the belly A feeling of being spun out; an endless to do list feeling Up-to-here-ness with low grade anxiety or irritation Difficulty bonding and connecting (which I might argue is fundamental to my idea of parenting anyway) And lets say you took that, oh, 15 minutes a day to fill up and brim over and connect with your husband or partner. And that what your children saw modeled were the following things:

Adults take time out to nourish You can give to those around you from overflow rather than obligation Connection between adults is important Good people are those who practice self care Sex is good and natural and healthy and needs to be a part of a healthy life Women are sexual creatures and this is powerful But more importantly is what would happen beneath the surface at the level where children, where people feel each other. That place where you say with gritted teeth “no mommy and daddy are just fine. Happy!” and the child is brought up in the cognitive dissonance of feeling one thing and hearing another and not trusting either.

If we as women agreed to allow our turn on to reign the child, in what is called limbic connection, the 1/3 part of our brain that exists to feel into the feeling states of others would be able to set their compass at “feeling good”. Their resting state would be connection, fullness and feeling. And not from anything you do or say but from the feeling you transmit which just so happens, according to science anyway, to be a much more potent form of communication than the other two.

Wait! I’ll repeat it. A parent that feels good, transmits that to a child in a way that overrides anything that they do or say and sets the “homeostasis”, what the child feels comfortable with for the rest of their lives. That means that if you feel good and healthy and strong and turned on and your child then receives that transmission they will naturally avoid the pitfalls we so powerfully try to guide our children away from. You will be giving your child the ultimate gift, the gift of an unwavering compass simply by nourishing your body. Not only that but your child will have a high quotient for connection and intimacy in a way that cannot be taught.

This to me takes the whole idea of a woman’s practice in orgasm totally out of the realm of indulgent - And places it properly into the position of non-negotiable.