9 Ways to Relax a Woman's Vigilance Center

by Ruwan Meepagala  Jan 17, 2014

What does a mother yelling to her child "don't poke your eye out!," a woman feeling cautious on a first date, and a meerkat have in common?

They are illustrations of the vigilance center. The vigilance center, associated with the amygdala in your brain, is the part of your brain concerned with safety and caution.

We want to quiet it because the involuntary nervous system, responsible for desire, feeling, and orgasm, cannot be active while the vigilance center is.

Women tend to have relatively more baseline vigilance center activity. As a man, or woman who likes women, you want to be able to “handle her vigilance center,” meaning allow it to relax. Here are 8 principles for handling her vigilance center so she can be the TurnedOn Woman you want to play with:


1. Safeport.

Simply, let her know what you intend to do before you do it. In OM, we safeport because physical contact can be jarring if it’s a surprise. In relating, any escalation can be jarring if there’s no forewarning. The difference between violation and skillful escalation is often simply giving her a heads up. Give her a chance to play too by getting her buy-in.

And it helps if she knows what she’s saying yes to, so...


2. Create a Container.

If a friend asked you for a dollar, you’d probably say yes. If he asked you for money, how could you possibly give an answer right away? How much? $1? $10? $10,000? Not knowing where the activity ends jars the vigilance center. That’s why in OM it’s always 15 minutes, always the same 10 steps--the container. The container allows a person to always know exactly what he/she is getting into.

When you make a request of a woman, give some sort of limit so she can have an option again to opt in or out. She may in fact want way more than you do, and she’ll feel safer expressing her desire knowing it won’t lead her into somewhere she may not want to go.

The container needs to be held, even if she asks to break it. Especially in such cases you must...


3. Stay Grounded, Solid, and Present.

A woman will test you. Plenty of books have been written on the biological reasons why. The one we care about is that a woman wants to be sure you can handle her before she opens up to you. If you can’t be solid when her involuntary is running amok, neither you nor her are safe. You must be able to keep a clear head and remember what’s true

Ultimately she wants to be sure that you’ll be there for her. On the emotional level it helps to...


4. Get Vulnerable First.

They say “whoever gets vulnerable first, wins.” The “win” here comes from the power and freedom you get by putting out all your cards on the table. By definition, the vulnerable thing is something that’s scary for you to expose. By doing this first, you give her the opportunity to do the same. She might not, but ultimately, intimacy can only happen from that place.

What it comes down to is that you...


5. Tell the WHOLE DAMN truth, complete and unfiltered.

Often we feel compelled to say the nice thing, or hide the part that will piss her off. We know it’s a form of lying, but it has good intentions, right? WRONG. We hide the truth selfishly when we don’t want to deal with her perfectly valid emotional reaction. Give her a full view of reality: good, bad, and ugly. Not only will she appreciate the truth, she’ll respect your courage to handle her reaction.

However, that doesn’t mean be mean. You also need to…


6. Deliver Love and Approval.

A relationship of any significant intimacy with have ups and downs. However, even through the unpleasant times, love and approval can always be present. With a constant of love and approval, then darker parts of your relationship become opportunities for intimacy, and places to play.

Beaming love doesn’t mean smothering though. You can love her while you also...


7. Leave space for her desire to come out.

Sometimes wanting feels better than having. Unfortunately many men immediately gratify their desires and miss out on half the fun. Give her a chance to feel her own desire before you satiate it. Make that into its own game. Play with holding out till it's unbearable. Not only do you give her a chance to have agency over her experience, the sensation of wanting can be quite pleasurable.

Ultimately, you need to meet her wherever she’s at. This means that you...


8. Play for the Moment, not for an Agenda.

My friend Glenn P, often says “You can’t script an entire interaction.” Man-Woman dynamics are too intricate and necessarily volatile to be pre-planned. If you interact with some sort of goal, you’ll miss out on spontaneous art that is woman. That is the difference between playing her, and playing with her.


9. Penetrate!

To penetrate in this sense is to get past a person’s facade to see the truth within them. We all have our “penetration-defense” up out of fear, yet we also desire to be seen for who we are. A woman wants you to be so relentless that even in the face of her opposing words and actions, you are not afraid to call her out and do what she needs beneath the tests and games.