Want Better Sex? Look at How You Eat
by OneTaste Living Library Sep 12, 2013
At some point in my early life, I formed the idea that I was unworthy of love. I’m not certain where it came from, but the idea shaped the whole of my formative years. It presented what I see as the purpose of my life: to learn to love myself and share that love with others. My desire has been to feel love—yes to have it, but also to really feel it.
We all have desires. We are born with them. They represent who we are on a deep level. Desires are the force behind our creativity, the urge to keep searching and find the thing for which the soul longs. In psychological terms, desire is the Id: the person you were at birth before the Ego and Super-Ego developed and started telling you that what you wanted was not okay..
As we grow up, we often learn that our desires are wrong. That we don’t deserve to have what we want and we must hide desires away and protect them—for them to be seen is to allow others into the deepest part of your soul and leave you open to rejection, hurt, and vulnerability. So we close off the deep, restrict access to our desires and create protective mechanisms to make sure that we, and others, can't reach that vulnerable place.
One of the earliest lessons I learned was that my sex, the wellspring of my desire, was not okay and needed to be hidden away. Allowing another to see me in that physically and emotionally naked place presented a danger. I had to protect it, or someone would take it or steal it away because, after all, my ownership of it was tenuous at best. At the same time, I had a desire to know it and experience it with myself and others. And in that place, in the wanting and the hiding, there lived a deep shame.
Because I was uncomfortable with my sex, I was also uncomfortable with my body, the carnal home of my sex.
I protected myself from it with food.
I soothed myself with it. I relished the junk food and the addictions that made me feel good, for at least a moment. And then I hated my body for its fatness, its ugliness, its heaviness, and what I perceived then as brokenness. By drugging myself with food, I made sure to confirm that idea that I was unworthy of love.
We all learn at some point that our desires are unacceptable, whether from our parents, society, the media, or other children. What we crave most is connection to others, to allow ourselves to be seen and felt in those deep places. But we’re afraid of other people. We're afraid of those voices that tell us we’re not worthy, and if someone were to really and truly see us, then we would be rejected. And so we cover those desires with habits to compensate, to keep our attention on the surface, make sure we don’t feel, and definitely don’t get the thing we actually want the most.
I created a body that I perceived as unlovable by undermining it with processed junk food and disregarding it completely. In college, when my size 20 jeans were getting tight, and my mother had just been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes (the third of four siblings to develop the disease), I decided I wanted my life to be different. I learned how to feed, nourish, and care for for my body. I learned how to love it. I went to the Institute for Integrative Nutrition to become a certified holistic health coach so that I could share that joy with others. And I healed my relationship to food.
But a few years down the line, I realized I had not healed my relationship with my sex. I was still carrying around this idea that I was unworthy of love and having the things that I knew I wanted. I still felt inferior to those around me, and held myself back from asking for what I wanted—or even allowing myself to feel and acknowledge my desire.
That’s the point when Orgasmic Meditation entered my life. Through this practice, I am reviving my desire and my sex, and finding that I am worthy of all of it: love, attention, profound connection and intimacy with others.
I started my healing at the surface level. First, I healed my relationship with food, which repaired my relationship with my body. Only then did I reach the point where I could begin to look at my desire and my sex. Others start below and work their way up. I coach around food, sex, and orgasm, because I believe that if you address the deeper, underlying relationship of these three, all of the surface compensatory relationships are healed as well. I work at all the levels, to help women live a desire-fueled life, because we all deserve it, and we are all worthy, perfect beings who exist on this planet to connect with others and ourselves. Turned on women get to touch the place they have hidden away for so long, feel and allow themselves to have what they want, heal themselves, and facilitate the healing of all the people around them.