by OneTaste Living Library May 14, 2012
nnBy Jennifer S.nn4 years ago I met a brilliant man, this man is one of the few men in my life that has ever penetrated my layers down to a soul level. I call him the Scientist. If you can imagine for a moment, an older version of Jason Schwartsman from the film Rushmore, that is exactly what he looks like. And what he feels like, is the most intelligently tender yet quirky being I've met.....the sensation he brings up in my body feels like being wrapped in a warm blanket right when you get home. A home that you've been wanting and searching for all of your life; but of course it doesn't look as you thought it would. There is a deep familiar resonance and yet torment every time I am in his presence. Having not only my heart feel cracked open from being deeply seen by him, but also all of my beliefs about what love is, completely melt away.nnThe last time we saw each other was about 4 years ago. I rejected him so fiercely back then because he saw something in me that I had yet to discover myself, and something about that was absolutely terrifying. The fact that I could be seen while not seeing myself felt like a violation and I treated him very much like he broke into my heart with out permission. So our relationship was very intense but short lived, and when he left my house that night 4 years ago for India I thought that would be the last time I saw him.nnHe wrote me love letters and sent beautiful gifts while he was traveling the world. And I even wrote him back once but he never got it, turns out he never knew the deep impact he has had on my life. All this time he thought I didn't care about him, and all this time I thought he didn't care that I cared; that the hurt felt between us was too great and that he would never allow himself to go back into that place. Turns out I was right.nnWhen I finally decided to contact him a couple weeks ago via LinkedIn it was on a gut feeling and I was actually quite surprised that he wrote me back. And of course I would write him a week before he is scheduled to come back to San Francisco for the first time since he left my doorstep years ago. Perhaps I felt him coming, our connection is that strong.nnSo we met again last night. It felt like no time had passed at all, the only difference was my ability to feel and communicate the depth of what is really here between us. We played catch up, we cleared, we laughed, we had a few moments of tender eye contact followed by the fear of feeling too much. There were several moments when all I wanted was to reach across the table for his hand and pull him close into an embrace. My heart felt warm and as though it were melting all over the wooden table spilling onto the floor and cement space around us. But every time the desire arose I was too afraid to take action. He has spent so much time redesigning protective walls around his heart, and who the hell am I too break into his fortress and destroy all that work? Who am I to think he would even want that?nnWe spent hours at that table as time lost it's meaning and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into him. Eventually it was time to go, he walked me home through the empty streets of the city. As we were walking I kept thinking of how I didn't want him to leave again, I didn't want the night to be over. Maybe there would be something I could say or do that would have him feel love for me again, but that would be my arrogance leading and not my heart. When we finally reached the door I realized the thing to do was let him leave and that what I was feeling didn't matter. Even if I spoke it right then he would say, ' I know.' Followed by an explanation of why he will never let him self feel out of control again. And although he may still feel love for me, because I know he does, it's just not the time or space for him to go into that love. So instead of being vulnerable and saying, ' I love you,' I said that staying connected would be great. We agreed to speak on the phone every once in a while. We hugged. I could feel his heart beat against my chest and all of the sweetness inside of it. My skin became electric and the desire to kiss him grew stronger but I of course suppressed it with all of my ability. He said thank you for contacting him, that he would never of had the courage to do so himself. We went in for another hug and this time I put my cheek to his, I did not want to let go.nnAs we said our final good bye and I began to put my key into the door, I watched him slowly walk away, knowing that he was very conscious about how deeply he allowed himself to look into my eyes. Almost the second I walked through my front door an over whelming sadness came over me. A roommate saw me and said hello, tears began to roll down my cheeks. Words fail to explain the amount of sensation I feel for this man and the powerful touch he has on my heart. Not only was I surprised by the tears but also by the tremendous, tremendous amount of love. I don't know if this man and I are meant to be together, I don't even know if we will actually stay connected, or what this will feel like tomorrow. But I do know that I have never felt anything like this. My walls are shattered and this very tender squishy part of me is oozing out. All I want is for this man to feel the love he has wanted all his life. It may never be me again and I must be ok with that. He has the strength and ability to compliment and reject me in a such finessed way that only he can. I admire how genuinely committed he is to protecting him self from the emotional neighborhoods inside his body. I wish that I had that same ability to feel less right now, and yet I'm grateful in the long run, for my empathy and for who I am.nnWhat I have learned is immense and somewhat unspeakable, but there is one thing I can say now, this man has taught me that love lives in the places where you never expect it to, it never looks the way you think it does, and it will test every part of you. True love, and I do believe there is such a thing, will simultaneously force you to feel all the things you've always wanted and all the things you've never wanted. Learning to acknowledge that love for what it is and then let it go is gut-achingly profound. I cannot say that I am ready to let it go, in fact I think feeling this all the way down is what will be most healing. This is just scratching the surface of a life changing realizationnnTomorrow I will get up, I will go on with my life, I will feel the sadness and the tremendous love for him, and I will continue to change the world one person at a time; not by changing them but by changing myself. And who knows, maybe one day he will be ready to unlock the fortress doors and let me in again. Or maybe one day I will have learned to be vulnerable in the present moment and feel the truth of rejection. Maybe not. What's painfully real in this moment is that there are are some people you will meet in your life that you are intrinsically connected you. The Scientist is the strongest example of this I know, and want to honor that. I will never be the same after seeing such a brilliant, beautiful, blinding light, my eyes are open and I am awake. Love is my new lensnnI guess romance isn't dead, just the part of me that judges it.nnnOne of the most profound things that OM can offer us is the ability to feel, and to stay connected to the people who invoke feelings within us, no matter how intense it may be. Whatever the emotion that is arising, be it heart ache, anger, sadness or joy, a tremendous amount of sensation floods our bodies; OM is a practice that helps us expand our ability to feel more sensation and emotion and continue to stay clear and present.