The Next Big Wave: Men

by OneTaste Living Library  Apr 4, 2012

nnBy Billy S. nnImagine paddling out past the breakers on a windy morning. The swell is 8 feet high. Half of the beach is covered in white water. It’s high tide. You can’t even get into the water for the set that’s coming in because the under toe and breaks are so fierce they spit you right back onto shore. Finally, there’s a clearing, a channel, a certain section of the waves that are the lowest and you have only minutes to paddle out across the breaks to get in the back of which you can wait for a wave to ride. The set of eight waves pass and it suddenly becomes still. Now’s your chance! You leap into the water, thumping your feet to get on the ocean floor, water spitting behind you. You don’t have much time. You then jump onto your board and start paddling as hard as you can.nnFingers going numb, the ocean starts to ripple and the next set is starting to build. Everything in you is telling you to just keep paddling. You’ve made it past the first wave easily. The second wave comes in. It’s too late to paddle over, so down under you go, flipping your board over on it’s belly, fins up in the air and you underneath, the wave slips right around you. Easy. Hopping back on the third one comes in, you paddle hard and fast and barely make it over. The adrenaline is pumping, every cell in your body is cold and alive, your eyes wide open, clarity shines through them. This is your day, you will get past the breakers, you will not stop. Another duck dive. The fifth is on it’s way towards you. Looking toward it’s line up you quickly move to the right of it as it is the shallow part of the wave. The current has a strong left pull and keeps pulling you towards the center of the wave. WOOSH! You make it over that one. And as you come up over that one and look up you see nothing but a wall of water. The sixth wave, it’s too far to go over, it’s too late to duck dive with your board. You are right in the center of the where it’s going to crash. Do you turn around in an attempt to catch it? Or do you sit there in silence, waiting to get hit?nnI have had this conversation so many times in my head in my life, not just in surfing. Take for instance my next “big wave”: Men. I have a lot of shame around my love for men. I’ve been with women for the past 10 years. It’s been fun and all but right now my place is with men. It’s the wave that keeps giving me an opportunity. I am so curious about sleeping with men. And I know where I get all of my shame from with them. I used to be in trouble with my parents for kissing boys when I was a kid, and I lived in community that also shamed women for being with men, and then I developed my own personal victim story around my desire for men. It’s all relative. Then, I found OM. And for me it was a really safe place to practice being and sharing my turn on with men. It was so easy. It was easy because I felt safe. It was safe because there was a container, a structure that held both of us. And every time, I speak my desire towards a man, I get this hit of sensation throughout my entire body, just like I feel when I get thrashed by a wave out in the water.nnBut sometimes I don’t let myself feel my orgasm with men. Sometimes, when I know the next step is for me to be vulnerable and just say or do what I want in that moment, is really hard. It’s too big for me. I’m afraid I’ll get blown out. And that’s when I know that I have given up again on a perfect opportunity. Take for instance just a few weeks ago. The guy who I’ve been talking to, who is my unavoidable wave, is saying yes to just about any request I ask of him. And although I take in as much as I can, I can’t take in all of it. It’s like asking an anorexic who hasn’t eaten in years, to eat a big, delicious, nutritious plate of food. I have to take small bites. My eyes are bigger than my stomach.nnUnavoidable. That’s a great word to describe my life right now. I can’t run from this wave of orgasm. And even if I duck underneath it, there’s still going to be another one right afterwards. The only way out is through, or in this case, the ride.nn nnSex doesn't discriminate. It isn't a picky animal. The picky, snooty, fearful animal lives in our heads. OM is a vehicle for introducing our heads to the sex in our bodies and getting them to start a conversation. Little by little you can begin to trust your body and let your head stop trying to run the show all the time. This isn't a suggestion to give anything up or renounce your ways, simply to add something new and see what happens.