The Layer Between Us

by OneTaste Living Library  Apr 3, 2012

nnBy Lianna L.nnIt starts. There is moment when he is inside of me, and I can feel something deep open and come in contact with something deep inside him. I can feel them mingle together. They speak to each other elegantly while we grunt like animals on the outside. And then, we are lying next to each other. And I look at him, and his eyes are smiling at mine. My wide scared eyes. But there is a smile hidden in the corners of my mouth, and tightness in his belly. We aren’t touching. But we both know. Something has changed. Something has been penetrated.nnAnd somehow, oddly enough, we start to build a life around this moment. Because I can feel that part of me he left inside when he brushes my arm, or when I rub his back, or when he gently touches the outside of my pussy lips. And it heats me up, and I feel good deep in my belly. I wake up all of the sudden in the middle of the night, and I feel damp and warm. He enters me from behind, slow. And I feel us touch in that unfathomable dark place. I feel it brighten, and come alive. I writhe and shudder, and spend the rest of the morning listening to him snore after he falls back asleep.nnAnd I cry often, and he cries sometimes. And we talk about money, and bedding, and cleaning, and how we like things done our own way. And what we want, and what we think we want, and what we believe. And I get mad sometimes, and he gets frustrated often. There are movies, restaurants, parents, vacations, and death. There are innumerable choices and compromises.nnAnd something that was open, which let us touch each other profoundly when we barely knew each other, is covered. Not by an impenetrable brick wall, but a film that has built up. Like the layer of fat that sits on top off warm milk that has cooled. It lets some of the light and vibration through but none of the heat. I’ve been staring at it, like it’s a one thousand piece jigsaw puzzle, and maybe if I just look at it hard enough it will rearrange itself and give me the answers. Should I tear through it? Do I burn it? Dissolve it with acid? I try walking away, ignoring it like it’s a high school bully. But it stairs back at me, persistently.nn“I think we need to talk about our sex,” I say.nn“I think your wrong,” he says.nn“I think your lying to yourself,” I say.nnHe pauses, and we look at each other. I keep my eyes even with his. I’m steady. My tears are dry. “Okay,” he says. “We’ll talk.”nn nnHonesty is not an easy thing. Honesty in relationship is even more challenging; because we are invested in each other, we have something to lose if our honesty isn't well received. We believe that honesty is the hottest possible element of a relationship. Losing the spark? Can't quite feel satiated by the intimacy you're having? Say what's true. Say the thing you pushed aside three weeks ago or a year ago... and watch the heat rise. OM is a practice that will help you lean into the uncomfortable heat of honesty and find pleasure there.nn