The Hunger

by OneTaste Living Library  Mar 5, 2012

nnBy Kim H.nnIt started early- this longing.nnI can remember it back in the 4th grade.nnThere was this widening void in me that threatened to consume me.nnI was, as they say, an “early bloomer” and puberty had hit with a thud the year before: hormonal overload in an adult body, living in a tween life. I was out of sync and miserable. There was a bone deep desire swelling in my body- but I didn’t know what for. And if I knew, I certainly couldn’t ask. Even then, I knew to want was dangerous.nnI remember coming home from school, opening the fridge and just starting to eat.nnAnd the afternoon didn’t seem so lonely. My sensations didn’t feel so out of control. I stopped feeling the ache. Actually, I stopped feeling so much, period. Everything was sort of blunted, and if I couldn’t feel better, at least I felt less.nnAnd so it went for the next 20 years- using food to regulate my experience.nnA breakup was less heartbreaking after ice cream.nnI like someone I’m sure I can’t have? The wanting seemed less urgent after the pizza.nnA big paper due? I’m going to need snacks.nnFood was my constant, my rock. It could be used to manage any situation.nnAnd management was very, very important.nnAlong the way there were moments when the me underneath popped through- My curiosity about sexuality led me to OM and OneTaste where I got a taste of a different kind of experience, 15 minutes at a time. But I was too afraid to change much else, too afraid to upset my carefully balanced applecart.nnI believed I was fragile. That feelings and desires would overwhelm me if experienced at full force. I was a master at sublimation. Any desire could be transmuted into a desire for food. Sugar. Chocolate. Bliss.nnSo I decided I would OM, but stick to the medicated path.nnAnd then one day it stopped working. Like a sputtering biplane running out of fuel, I was going down. I fought hard- I binged hard. And still the feelings were coming. I broke.nnOh, my god. The want was excruciating. 20 years of sublimated desires rushed in, flooding me and my overfed, but undernourished body.nnI could no longer avoid the truth: I couldn’t stay numb. I wanted a real life.nnI believe when I started to OM, I let these little cracks form. Tiny openings that allowed me to fall apart enough that I could break free from my numbness.nnOM let in a little true nourishment. A satisfied physical desire, exactly as I wanted it. Something I didn’t know how to ask for; answered. I think on a very subconscious level, the part of me desperate to stop my addiction saw a path out: OM.nn nnI could lie and say that it was all instantly better. It really wasn’t. It was painful and awful and scary. But it was also wonderful.nnI remembered how funny I am.nnI am an awesome flirt.nnI can feel turned on in every cell of my body.nnAnd don’t even get me started on how delicious touch can feel!nn nnSo, as hard as it has been, and continues to be- the payoffs eclipse the pain.nnBy no means do I write to you today as if I’m magically cured.nnIt’s a process, sometimes a slow one.nnBut I can tell you that I wouldn’t go back to numb.nnAnd I’ll keep you posted on the rest.nn nnOM is not a cure-all, however, it is an opportunity to know ourselves deeper and love ourselves in places we think we are unlovable.