I clearly remember being in my room, using porn to masturbate to climax, thinking, “One day I will have my orgasm.” It was as true to me as the fact that my name is Rachael. Then my rational brain kicked in. Was I insane? It had been 13 years since I’d had sex. People were having multiple orgasms all over the place and I needed porn to feel anything. Men weren’t interested in me and I couldn’t open up.
During a year of world travel, I tried having a few makeouts with men from Nigeria (I was fat and they liked that.) When I went to their rooms we would start kissing, and they would want to have sex. My body shut down and I would leave, the men yelling as I ran out the door.
I was sure I was frigid and that something inside me was deeply broken. I was 32 years old and had only had sex with men twice; both times I cried. I had a few girlfriends in college but I was pretty sure I wasn’t a full blown lesbian, although I was attracted to women and terrified of men. I would now say I was terrified of my desire, not of men.
Later, I tried online dating. All the men I liked weren’t interested in me, and I wasn’t interested in anyone who liked me. The sole expression of my sex was unrequited longing and masturbation.
A friend told me about OneTaste and I went to a TurnON. In the hot seat, I admitted that I hadn’t had sex and everyone seemed to love that. They all wanted to talk to me and I promptly ran away. But one woman kept calling me and saying how much she could relate to me.
I felt a decent amount in my first OM, and I kept repeating to myself “there is enough pleasure.” Right at two minutes I had a climax — my first one with another person. My body woke up after that experience.
I began a regular practice of OM. I was so embarrassed and so turned on at the same time. Men who I thought were attractive said yes when I asked them to OM. Asking for an OM was terrifying, but my desire became stronger than my fear.
OMing created a golden thread of Orgasm that moved through my body and wouldn’t let me turn away from my desire. Orgasm allowed me to open up and let people feel me. As I felt more, I began to cry a lot. I got the intimacy I was so deeply searching for, and the tenderness that I was put on earth with emerged with strength.
I went from being a depressed, shy, unhappy woman, to a woman who can hold and love people, a woman with maternal energy, and a woman who can create magic. Orgasm weaved around my body and wouldn’t let me say no to anything. Martyrdom just wasn’t attractive anymore! My sex wanted things. My soul wanted things. I began to speak up and take up space. I also began to lose weight. I’m now married! Orgasm continues to get rid of everything that isn’t me, and in the open space, the real me continues to emerge. I’m almost nine years in, and in some ways it feels like this is just the beginning.