I found OM after I had been in an 8 year on-again-off-again relationship. I loved my boyfriend but felt like there was something missing. He was everything that a woman could want -- ambitious, caring, handsome, smart, and endlessly devoted to me. I cared for him so much yet I had difficulty wanting to be with him. I was ignorant of what I wanted in sex and unable to express myself around it.
Our sex didn’t look like what we saw in the movies, or what we thought orgasm was “supposed” to look like. This led him to “try” harder which caused me to feel broken and defective. I started to not want sex, and he became progressively more frustrated, even telling me to go “fix your intimacy issues.”
We broke up, and for years I questioned that decision. I felt so bad about not being able to figure out “what was wrong” with me. I beat myself up and was convinced I would never find another person as put together as he was, who would love me again. I was dumb for letting him go, yet when I thought about being with him, I could not stomach the thought.
I wholeheartedly threw myself into therapy to “fix” myself. I probably spent all of my money on healing sessions, books, and self development classes for 7 years. I also didn’t date anyone seriously during this time. The few dinners and dates and sex I had during that time was even more disconnected from what I’d had before.
I threw myself into work to avoid these kinds of feelings. I worked all day and took on clients at night. The rest of the time I surfed the net and ate. One evening, I had a quiet moment of reflection when I saw the big picture of my life.
I prayed to God. I prayed hard and asked for a teacher or guide to get me out of this bleak state, because if this was what life would be like going forward, I wasn’t interested in continuing.
During this time, Nicole Daedone’s TED talk came across my inbox. I remember seeing it and thinking, “Whoa. She’s crazy, brilliant, and it sounds amazing, but what man would do that? With me? Maybe one day I’ll take a class with her.” A few days later, a man I knew from a Meetup sent me an invitation to hear Nicole speak in NYC for free.
Everything in me said “YES!” even though I felt my brain come up with reasons not to. But I went. Before the evening was over, I signed up for OMX. I was not ready to do the practice, but in my mind, what Nicole was speaking about was an indirect path to personal freedom and world peace.
The practice itself was so weird to me that I could not imagine doing it with anyone other than a committed boyfriend, or the man who was going to put a ring on it. There was no way I was going to “cheapen” myself by sharing my most private parts with just any person with an index finger.
I started going to TurnON’s and all I did for the first 4 months was cry. I didn’t know why, but the sensation would get high and then my eyes would start to leak. There was total acceptance in the community and eventually I was comfortable enough to take the OM class.
One strong memory I have of that day was going out at the lunch break with a group of men, and hearing them speak about their challenges and fears. I realized that they had just as much fear, if not more, than I had. They were just as scared of rejection, being taken advantage of, not doing it right, and so many of the same things that were swirling around in my own head. Sitting there I felt a burst of warmth spread over my chest that could be described as compassion, connection, understanding, and kinship.
My first OM that day was with a stranger who was not the person I thought I wanted to OM with. All I could feel in the OM was his desire to do it right and make me happy -- it was the first time I ever felt the masculine desire to serve, and I also realized how much I knew exactly what I needed. It was like my center of gravity was restored from my mind (where it had been trapped for years) and back to my clit.
I left that OM feeling reconnected to my inner knowing, and I had a flash of that feeling I had when I left my 8-year relationship so many years ago. I realized that my decision was right, but my conditioning had made my decision hell. Having the perspective of the years gone and connecting back to this center restored my faith in myself.
That was two and a half years ago, and now I am a practitioner, and a coach of OM. The process is one that ebbs and flows, but one that is so valuable and that I wish every man and woman had exposure to it. OM slowly peels off the layers of conditioning that have accumulated around my orgasm, and it reconnects me back to my essence over and over again.