My name is Michele and I OM.
For most of my life I've wanted to be someone else, feel something else and be somewhere else. My sadness, loneliness, longing, fear, shame, confusion, judgements and especially my anger are all parts of me that I’ve wanted to get rid of. I’ve wanted to silence the voice inside that kept saying, “Michele, something’s wrong and you're not OK.”
Being with myself and feeling myself began to be excruciating and over time I went to sleep and unconsciously developed my own ways to cope with all the feelings and thoughts I wanted to, but couldn’t, get rid of.
I focused on finding romantic partners to fix and care-take of to take my attention off myself. I began using substances to numb out what I didn’t want to feel. I created stories so I could blame other people for my feelings and isolate myself. After a while, I became very comfortable remaining asleep, being a victim, fixing and controlling others to manage my anxiety and searching for myself in other people.
Just before I became to OM I was in a state of deep unconsciousness. My coping skills became a conditioned way of life for many years. The voice telling me something was wrong and that I wasn’t ok was now screaming. I couldn’t ignore the wreckage around me anymore.
When I began to OM I learned quickly that this practice is a tool for waking up in my life, coming back to the self and exploring connection from a place of self-acceptance and approval. In this spot of healing my connections are more honest and authentic. My attention is on being my true self rather than being someone else. My attention is on feeling the range of emotion and sensation in me rather than avoiding it. I am starting to hear, “Michele, it’s OK. You are OK. You are brilliant.”
The process of waking up through OM has been confronting and uncomfortable and I trust that with each stroke I'm have the thing I always wanted: freedom and self-acceptance.