I grew up with a lot of sexual shame. For years I thought my desire was dangerous and I needed to control it. So I did, in a way. Whenever I felt desire for a woman, I froze.
I tried many approaches to manage my desire: meditation, tantra, abstinence. By my mid-20's I realized something was still missing. My throat was often tight. My belly was often clenched. People often told me to be more assertive. The shame was unavoidable. I felt stuck with women, friends, work. Most areas of my life.
Then my relationship of 3 years ended. Things needed to change. My efforts to control stopped working. I began asking for help.
I found a safe place to share what I was feeling in the OM community. I felt relieved and grateful to finally talk about these things.
I had my first OM. My body shaking. Heart pounding. I felt more sensation in my body than I knew was possible. Electricity, heat, expansion, tingling all over. This is what I had been avoiding? Feeling so much?
I realized all those years of shame weren't about my desire, but my hiding. That's where I was stuck. That class affirmed what I had suspected: desire isn't dangerous, it's a power source! It's the power that creates lives! What makes it dangerous is keeping it hidden. So I keep it front and center. Now I have a daily OM practice. Instead of controlling my feelings, I actually feel them.
Now I know I don't need to hide my desire, or any part of myself. Instead of controlling, I feel. And I share what I feel. And sometimes it's awkward and painful, and that's okay. it's a lot less painful than keeping it hidden.