You were either my friend or my lover, but combining the two was always hard for me.
I didn’t know ho to be radically honest and I was terrified of real connection. I was scared I might get swallowed up, lose my freedom and be put in a box. That my life would get smaller. I realized my fear of connection, commitment, surrender and trusting was something I’d carried my whole life and it affected everything including the way I dealt with my work. I was always trying to manage everything alone.
I had a fear of real intimacy. I was raised with a lot of feelings of shame. “Be careful, don’t let the boys have you, they’ll hurt you, try to take you. Sex is dangerous” were the messages I had. I could put on my little sex kitten body language disguise, I could have sex but I couldn’t take the mask off and really let you see me.
I had a good friend who called me after awhile of not seeing her, she knew a lot of my struggles with intimacy and my dark places, shame issues and a lot of the relationships I had tried to engage in. She seemed so different. I’d seen her go through some really hard things, a period where her health was not well, divorce, and now she was super joyful and buzzing with amazing energy! “What have you been doing?” I asked. She told me about OM.
With the lights up and someone looking at my parts and no sexy moves or sounds required? My job is to just feel and receive? That’s it? Crazy! Right away, I was like “Oh! I’m super shy, that would be hard for me! But I had come out of my own dark period and had a great desire to really explore pushing my edges and having a more expanded life, risking more. Shy or not, I liked what I was hearing about the philosophy of OM, desire and living an orgasmic life and I wanted it. At the same time, I found out another very close friend had also been OMing and his life was also transforming. He had more bliss in his life. I wanted that too. My whole life there was a part of me that jumped into things no one else would because I knew there was something outside of comfort zones where the miracles were. I had just broken up with a boyfriend who was extremely jealous and fearful. Our relationship involved a lot of fighting and fear and he was terrified of expansion. I was exhausted trying to fight for a bigger life. I signed up for a private OM training and two days before the training we got back together. He freaked out when I told him I had signed up to learn OM, but when I offered to do it together he said yes. I loved what I was learning about OM, and even though we eventually broke up for good later, I jumped deeper into OM.
I am having more sensation in my body. I love the community. I’m surrounded by people going deep, letting go of things not serving them. I’m learning to get so specific about what I want. It’s getting so clear and that little voice I could barely hear is getting louder and leading me into my desires. I’m learning to say my exact truth, asking for exactly what I want and it feels so good. The OM community is a group of people supporting each other, helping each other be accountable for making the desire based life we all want, and connecting deeply. I have so much to learn, and I’m still shy but so much better. I’m learning how to let go more and not overthink – just feel. How to push myself into uncomfortable places where I know I’ll grow. And I’m learning to peel away at things limiting me for more miracles, bliss and orgasm.