What Cheating On Your Soul Feels Like
by Antesa Jensen Aug 25, 2016
It started so small. You pretended to be indifferent. You were merely keeping your options open, waiting to see which opportunities presented themselves. You thought that by not choosing anything you could choose everything. You thought you could hack your life to have your cake and eat it too.
Besides, making a decision one way or another had you feeling trapped and you hated feeling trapped. It sent you into a state of panic; fear of remorse, disconnection, judgment lurking around every corner. You yearned for freedom from those fears.
"Save yourself the pain and suffering of making the wrong choice." you told yourself. By not committing, you remain available; you stay free. And better yet, you can never be persecuted for causing harm. It's not your fault you're attractive. It's not you're fault you're smart and talented and capable of so much. It's not your fault you're likable and adaptable and good with words. Those are gods gifts, not yours.
Meanwhile, the choices are making you. And like the good opportunist you are, you opt in on god's gifts: you let your ego get filled up on how good it feels to be recognized as being good at something. You believe that story because it's still easier than making a choice, than taking responsibility for what you want. You create an entire reality around how that thing you're recognized for is what you want, even though it feels compensatory and empty. You don't really know what you want, anyway, so why does it even matter?
Before you know it your whole life is consumed with being indifferent. You try on a dozen choices a day. Getting caught in the act of trying on your options has you react with a vengeance. Those weren't your thoughts, your actions, your choices. That wasn't your truth. You were merely trying it on on to see if it fit.
Eventually pretending to be indifferent spills over into pretending to care. You stop taking care of yourself. You realize that by not opting in, you've chosen confinement, not freedom. You begin to resent the life that happened while you were busy not making up your mind. You find yourself feeling trapped and you hate feeling trapped.
The desire to break free is palpable. It's familiar, too. Oh man, are you familiar with this feeling. You remember that you've broken free before. It felt exhilarating and new and exciting. Nothing that feels that good can be wrong, right?
But you've learned some things since the last time you broke free. Cornered into choosing has you escaping choice, only to discover that new choices are waiting for you somewhere else. You know what's waiting for you this time and you know that you're the one who did the cornering. You realize that you've avoided making a choice to avoid being vulnerable. The tiny nuances of your biggest pattern have finally emerged, and with nothing left to escape, you try to escape yourself.
You joke that you've got a problem with abundance but what you've really got is a problem with owning your desire and your truth. The joking alleviates the almost unbearable sensation of finally knowing exactly what it is and being unwilling to take full responsibility for it. As it turns out, those fears of remorse, disconnection, judgement...they haven't gone anywhere in all these years.
Rumi said "The cure for pain is in the pain." Those words hit you like a truck. Alas, you're too smart to try to escape this one, this time. The only way out is through. Through the fear. Through the struggle. Through the pain. All the way through to the truth of your desire.
(Photo Credit: Himanshu Singh Gurjar)