Hitting Havingness

by Aubrey Agrawal  Aug 4, 2016
broken glass cube ghoosstt

You think something is wrong. You think things were going along fine and then something got real messed up somewhere. It feels like maybe it was you. Where did you go wrong? How could this have happened? Why does it feel like everything is falling apart...you don't think your life is in a climax but maybe it is? Uncertainty fills you and dogs your heels. Panic rises and falls in your chest all day. Fear of people feeling how terrified and uncertain you are keeps you hiding in all the subtle ways, and feeling alone as things fall apart.

What is it that you desire? Someone asks. It's the question you've been avoiding in your own head, the question that feels emblazoned on your forehead and you can't believe people aren't asking you this question all day but now and here, fuck, someone finally has asked. Defensiveness and sharpness adorn your response like spikes sticking out of a wall. I don't know, you say, falsely calm, wondering if they will hear the tone of hopelessness underneath. Or I DONT KNOW, you yell, wondering if they'll feel the sadness underneath the anger. Wishing someone would hand you knowledge of your own desire, you go on about your day quietly downtrodden and unable to make full contact with that fire that has always burned so brightly inside, lighting the path of your desire in the past like torches on either side. It's never been an easy path but at least you knew what you wanted and you knew you were going towards it.

Another day goes by and you realize you do know what you want but it's buried underneath all manner of refuse and self pity and fear and resentment. It's shaking the very earth to try to emerge but as you recall, you really packed it down there so all it can do is make the ground shake a little. You are now of a split mind; on one hand you did a good job and your desire is not coming out and boy did you successfully get that thing down. You won. On the other hand...you know, like KNOW KNOW KNOW, that it's literally your only saving grace. It is your hand of Adam (or the apple of eve) reaching out to the hand of God so god can take you and use you fully. It's all you've got and now you have it locked down.

The bill is in front of you. Racking up to a higher and higher price as the days go by and it's taking all your energy to keep your desire locked down. The bill is five ten fifteen twenty times higher than it would've been if you'd followed the cues a long time ago instead of let your self-will run riot. You know. You know it all, you know everyone else does too. You're a cat hiding behind a curtain with its tail sticking out. Your forehead now says HITTING MY HAVINGNESS in neon blinking lights.

Unlock your own ceiling. No, it doesn't matter if you know what NEXT is going to look like. No, it doesn't matter if you're a sloppy mess of a person so long as you have willingness. No, it even doesn't matter if you don't have some kind of glorious assigned author that makes you want to be dragged through mud to get to it. It only matters that you see that you are looking god in the face right this moment and that you're willing to show up for it. It only matters that you remember that your friends are there to show you your blind spots so stop trying to shut them out. It only matters that you say yes and mean it. The less dramatic the better. You did astronomical, monumental, sometimes agonizingly counter intuitive work to crawl your way and climb your way here.

It's time to accept that there is a thousand times more evidence that you're a full, bountiful, flaming genius of a person who is, generally speaking, an absolute model of abundance and brilliance for almost everyone around you. People are literally using you as a lighthouse and a barometer and a metric for their own awakeness. You're not a starving broken wasteful pathetic sad energy stealing person. There's a severe lack of evidence to prove that so just take your consciousness out of that identity already - you're just trying to avoid holding the weight of your own damn light because it's so achingly blindingly beautiful that it takes you completely out of control. And look- you can't hold it. It's going to come right through you and make its own damn way out into the world. It's your calling and it's going to use you for its purpose not the other way around. Do you remember the moment you asked for this experience? Do you remember understanding that God was going to come through you and animate your whole body, life, relationships, words, and thoughts?

We are being asked to give over the entire control of our physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and spiritual beings to this light that wants to work through us. We knew this game would be hard and we knew it would take everything.

Take the ceiling apart bit by bit. Unlock your own daemon. Let it loose back into the body of your life so it can snap the sinews and break the bones of your hardened identities. Take in the good, take in the bad. Admit you're a genius, admit you're an asshole. Let go of getting the glory and being seen as the best. Know truly that cleaning the toilet is equal in import to teaching a 100 person class. Stay free by intentionally going towards discomfort. Say yes and yes and yes and yes and FOR GODS SAKE LET THE LOVE IN. You have to eat more; we all have to eat more. We are not atoning, we are not grieving, we are not crawling and starving. We have to eat a lot because we are moving through a lot of scenes together and it's super important to just freaking EAT MORE and make sure you're actually feeling hydrated and ALIVE AND HEALTHY so people you go to teach or coach don't get more starving around you, perpetuating the myth that spiritual propensity is in dedication to deprivation.

Take the ceiling apart and remember who you are and what you came here for. Did you think it was for the accolades? No. You knew what it was for then, and you know now too.

LET. THE. LOVE. IN. It's here it's flowing it wants in. You don't need to take it, just allow it in. You don't need to hand it over, just let it love out of you.

Now go clean something and tell someone something you're scared to say.

(Photo Credit: Ghoosstt)