Finding Home

by Manoj Aggarwal  Jul 26, 2016
suburban sprawl aerial joao silas

A great adventure requires willingness. Willingness to put aside expectations of what should happen, put aside all fears, doubts. Willingness, without which, I lack the power to move through obstacles. But going home requires a bit more than willingness, because before I found it, I didn't know what home looked like. On my journey I needed a guide, The One That Remembers home. Home, the place I called my castle, long abandoned for the glittering glamour of the fame and fortune of the outside world.

Have you ever left your castle? What made you leave? I left mine because I couldn’t stand being in a body that hurt. At ten years old, the world seemed to pour all over me. I had neither defenses nor allies to defend my home. I never developed good boundaries nor did I develop a healthy self-worth. What I gained from the outside world I could not return to the home I abandoned. I fixated on conquest and consumption to numb the mourning of home lost.

I wandered into the homes of others, deluded, believing their home was mine. I indulged in their riches and comforted myself in their beds. I gobbled up their love like it was a bottomless bowl of food. I adorned myself in their fine clothing, trying on their self-worth to see if it fit me. I ate their food, I threw a party inside their house and my guests tracked mud across the carpet. I left the owners to clean up after me. When they threw me out I couldn’t keep the clothes. How could they do this to me? That was my home! Then, I remembered I didn't come for the clothes or the food. The rope that tethered me to the castle finally pulled taught. I longed for my own home. What happened to it?

A profound loneliness, hollow and heavy, called me back to the faraway place I had abandoned long ago. Benevolent aid came, sometimes through a friend who helped me remember myself. This time, however, it came through a swift kick in the ass to WAKE. UP. So I traveled back and faced the last obstacle, the wall I built when I left to keep my home safe from the outside world. I lowered it. Then, I gained access to the riches on the other side, to the visitors who wish to rest in the abundance of my castle. Who wish to bestow treasures of the heart and make my castle even more beautiful whenever they pass through. I get to sit in all of this glory.

What wall must you lower to find home?

(Photo Credit: Joao Silas)