In Love With Loving Out
by Nicole Daedone May 13, 2016
Transcribed from the I OM Talk, recorded live in Los Angeles, January 2016, Reprinted Courtesy of the Living Library.
Lately, I'm hooked on this idea of love out. Have you heard of love out? Woohoo! Love Out! It all started, 20 or so years ago, with this idea that I was hungry.
My background, you may know, included a path to being a Buddhist nun. I had the idea that there was something that I needed to get, that there was something that I needed to fill up on, and my particular form of spirituality contributed to that belief. Are you familiar with Krishnamurti? He's awesome. What he ended up doing after years and years of practice was when people would come over the mountain to see him; he would stand there and say, “Leave, you're free.” That was his whole message. And in a sense, that's my whole message: Love Out. I don't have a lot more to say other than love out - and what I mean by that, is no matter what the circumstances are, no matter what you're feeling, the only solution, ever, is loving out. There is no other solution I know.
There's this place where I'm scared. What are you thinking of me? Are you going to notice me? Are you going to know who I am at my essence? The answer is no: unless I'm loving out, because that's who I am. Fundamentally that's all there is. That's all there is of this being, of me. That's all there is of beings everywhere. What I'm noticing is the more I’m able to do that, the less there is of the feeling of being concave or turned inward - when I'm turned inward the only thing I can think of is me. And when I'm thinking of me, that’s the only experience I am able to have.
They've actually done the research - somewhere in the 90th percentile of all thoughts when people are thinking about themselves are negative. The best option, rather than taking in everyone's varying viewpoints of me, is actually to keep putting the love out.
There's a beautiful Hafez poem where he says something to the effect of, “Everyone's walking down the street looking for, and saying, will you love me? Will you love me?”
What if you were the face of love that said yes?
I think that is really what we're fundamentally learning to do, and how I know many of the solutions I learned were not effective. The only solution I know is this unconditional outward facing love. There's this funny kind of NLP thing: two puppets are talking. One of the puppet says something and doesn't get a response for years and years, and then, after a lengthy delay, it hears the other puppet talking. That's really how it works! The goal is to clear all this stuff away, and make the feedback loop come back much faster. If I send you love, my experience of love comes back that much faster.
When we're talking about things like vulnerability, or when we're talking about how to have this experience of being seen, and known, and touched, and reached - it's actually this fundamental courage that's required of us. It is taking it from deep inside, putting it out, and being one of the people on the planet who has the courage to say, “I love you.” To actually ante up “I love you,” and then you don't even have to wait for the response, because you keep loving in the moment; you keep sending it out and sending it out, and pretty soon, that's the only field that you live in; love.
There are several routes that lead to this destination. One is simply just love. There's a practice in Buddhism, the practice of loving kindness. What you can do is just begin to notice where love is, and it's truly shocking. I did it for almost a month. You just go through and look at the places where you’re denying it. So someone opens the door for me, and I say “Oh, they had to do that. It's social protocol.” And I dismiss it immediately. Or my mom writes, “Honey, will you call me?” And then I go to the place where I can actually feel that it is coming from her love, that she misses me. Or I'm walking down the street and someone moves out of my way, or the person at the counter actually looks up and smiles at me, and gives me something. And what this begins to do is confirm that I'm living in a universe fundamentally based in love.
I have this vision of this piece of land, and on the land every single thing that you do, and in everybody's eyes, you’re just seeing the faces of love coming back at you. What I do is look for those loving moments wherever they occur, and then hope to meet them. Then, what we have is a ‘connect the dots’ situation that will follow. I'm sending love to you, you're sending love back to me - I have a little bit more and I can send it to you, and then you have a little, and I can send more and more and more. Pretty soon it's contagious.
We are sympathetic human beings. We exist. When we go in the subway, and we can sense, “Oh, don't move there because I'll bump into somebody,” we are sensing each other. We can actually have that kind of contagious feeling of love wherever we go. There's that quote, “If you think, you'll succeed, you're correct. If you think you'll fail, you’re correct.” You begin to shape your reality by what you expect to see.
So if I have the courage, and that's really what it requires, to just say yes; I wake up. And I wake up with that same mess in my head that a lot of people do, but then, all the sudden I make the decision: no matter what I do today, I'm going to see you in love. And even if all I see is me sending it, I'm going to see at least one person loving.
And when that occurs, something really profound happens; I see other people, and when I see other people, that safety develops in me, and when I come to the surface more, I discover that this is the only feeling I ever wanted. There's that place where we’re kind of waiting, right? I don't know if you've ever had this feeling, but you think to yourself, “I like you.” Then the person pauses to think about it, and internally debates whether or not they want to let it out. Then there's that kind of nervous moment where we ask, “Am I going to return that feeling that I feel?” The reason we are asking this, is if you do, then I have permission to come out.
What if we all started right here, right now, with you and I, each one of us; we give each other the permission to come out right now. You don't have to wait for anyone to approve, anybody to love you; you don't have to wait for anything. You can come out, right here and right now. Not only can you come out right here and right now, you can offer it, and then what ends up happening is, low and behold, you and I begin to discover that people are waiting for us. We are all waiting for that. I don't think there's anybody that is not waiting for the feeling of love.
You sometimes send love out with a little bit of a hook, right? Anybody who has made a request of you and you felt like you didn't want to give it. It wasn't given with pure love. That's the imposter. That's the greed, or hunger, or need. That's not pure love. Love is like the sun. It's radiant and it's always there. And every single one of us human beings wants it. So if we learn to cultivate it in ourselves, then pretty soon we begin to see it everywhere. And that's where you begin to hit on vulnerability. I don't know about you, but I had it in my head that there was something that I had to wait for before I would be vulnerable. There was going to be some cue kind of response from the universe where it was time. But the thing is, it’s time - right here and right now.
(Photo Credit: Unknown)