The Three Mistakes Men Make in Their Quest to Court the Feminine

by Ravi  Feb 1, 2016
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Men, do you know of a woman so bright and open and loving that her presence just fills you up? And not just you, but everyone around her? You might notice that you could even stare at her from afar and be filled up. Her skin vibrating a certain radiance, like steamy heat off desert sands; her eyes glistening with a knowing, a playfulness, a dancing, and a steadiness. Often too hard to describe and almost too much to have…she possesses some magic and within that beauty there’s even a sort of generosity — like she’s sharing something even she doesn’t quite know the impact of. Too much to have? Maybe. And yet it’s the very thing we’ve been after.

That quality draws me in, tempers my possessive instincts, warms my devoted heart, and, well, has me fall in love with that essential quality of a magical woman.

What happened to her?

This is always my question. I will meet a woman years later, and she’s no longer a manifestor of that state. The sparkle in her eye has gone dark; the knowing of herself is forgotten and what’s possible is dimmed, in some cases feels hopeless. I’ll know the hopelessness when my chest feels like it descends into a black pit and I’ll want to avert my eyes. She may smile and crack a joke, but there’s a certain sadness I feel, an empathy for wherever her faith took a hit. Maybe she’s at a job that doesn’t value her, or in a family or a relationship where things aren’t going well. Despite a lack of specifics, I always know the eyes. Either they are on and glowing, or they are not.

To be even more vulnerable, this had honestly happened to all the women I had dated in my early thirties. Their eyes got quiet. I was always attracted to powerful women, the sort of independent spirit who had a job that paid her bills, was the most fun, electric person at work, and she would always have a few tattoos, at least one about love and another incorporating an Eastern spirituality symbol about truth or awakening.

And then somehow they all lost their job once we started dating, often had body pains, they seemed hurt and emotional a lot. Well, let’s just say their eyes went dark. Because they did. Exasperated, I would try to fix them, blame them, withdraw from them, and break up with them.

And a good friend of mine said, bluntly, well who’s the common denominator in all of those relationships?

OUCH.

What was I doing wrong? And are any other men having this problem?

Let’s skip ahead to something I figured out and then I’ll come back to this inquiry.


A flower craves attention. She craves the fresh, loving, and enveloping rays of the sun. The soft furs alongside the bees as they snuggle up and embrace her insides. She craves not just touch and heat and not just an acknowledgement of her existence, but a real appreciation for it. To feel your deep desire for her to exist and to bloom, and once she has that, to feel your solidity in your experience of her.

Flowers very carefully choose the right time to bloom and open; for them it’s a moment of intentional surrender, a reveal and a letting go of the pain of remaining a bud. And a release into a great unknown of feeling spread open, bare and raw, to the elements and her guests. It promises great reward, and yet feels risky. Because blooming open, and connecting with the air and the bees and the other flowers and the appreciators and the spectators, is an experience that feeds her, and promises her a nourishment and an opportunity to feel connected and have an impact. A flower, of course, will not bloom until she feels security in her stem. She craves knowing that her firm, grounded, porous-yet-fibrous green stalk has a certain stamina and will to hold her up, to provide her a stable grounding from which to take that risk and leap and bloom, and then to feed her water and earth elements as she grows parched and needs a pause.

If a stem tried to be the flower, the flower must become the stem. For only one can reach for the heaven while the other tether to the ground.


Here are three common challenges that arise for men in their relationships with women.

Mistake #1: Too often, men try to be the sun instead of the stem.

Both the sun and the stem support the flower, yet there’s a difference. The sun is an infinite source of energy, attention, and magic. It’s an other-worldly sort of force, and masculine entities can’t actually pay a bill of that sort of expectation. So if we try to be the sun, we fail. A stem, on the other hand, is a solid structure that moves discrete packets of nutrients through it’s system; it has a short half-life, is as unique as a snowflake, can get infected by fungus, can get bent out of shape sometimes, and has it’s attention on a finite number of flowers.

We want to be a Stem, not the Sun.

Men will enter this arrangement when we want to be her sole source of sustenance. We let a woman feel like we are her God. In that way, she lives with her head bent towards us, and we offer her a certain purpose of being, as our counterpart, with the subtle idea that she wouldn’t be quite as beautiful, important, precious, valuable, or wanted if it wasn’t for a certain quality in us that we bring them and fill them with. (Of course this is all subtle stuff, and if you find yourself irritated reading this, I suggest slowing down and getting honest with yourself.)

To be fair, a woman has a sort of gene that invites her towards this particular error. She will often have some programming that says that it is so difficult to bloom, and the world doesn’t have enough space to bloom big, and she will get attacked if she dreams too big, so she needs to attach herself to a man and make it about him.

I am embarrassed to admit this: the first woman I fell in love with used to call me her “Sun God.” Granted I have rich brown skin and my name literally means the “Sun,” nevertheless you get what I mean — that was just a disaster waiting to happen. She made a mistake that many women make. She believed her man to be her primary source of valuation and sustenance, instead of where that value should actually come from — her desire: things that excite her outside of relationship, or her purpose on the planet. Absent those, her eyes will eventually dim. To be fair, I also let her make that mistake. No, I actually bribed her to make that mistake. Because it honestly felt good to me for her to see me that way. I was cute, clever, noble, and naughty; I paid for her food and handled her flight plans, and I made her feel like I was the best things since sliced bread. In some way I felt oddly useful, like I was giving her safety and something to devote to. All my insecurities, including feeling like I didn’t matter, I didn’t add anything to the world, I couldn’t hold a woman’s attention, no one would ever see how loving I am, etc, they began to drop away. I got a lot stronger as a man; I beamed confidence and generosity - for a time.

Until the inevitable happens when love is built on a house of cards - collapse. One day I was no longer attracted to her. I was never meant to be her God, or anyone’s God. Once I got filled up on her devotion and praise, I was full, and I felt disenchanted and bored. She, of course, shriveled up.

If I were to do it all over now, I would not offer her the kind of safety I did, because that’s a clear bribe for her female conditioning. I would not believe her when she says she can’t do something, because that’s the broken winged bird archetype. I would keep my loving attention on the parts of her that were already amazing and just needed some steady attention in order to bloom.

Mistake #2: Men try to be the flower instead of her.

When I’m trying to be the flower, it’s because I want attention. Sometimes I want attention on my newest grand idea. Because I often have this belief that my ideas are generally craftier or smarter than the woman in my life. I’m a really bright guy, so my ideas deserve attention. Which means I have to take my attention and put it on that part of me, and she has to do the same. Which means in those moments, no one has attention on her.

I also do this with pain in my body, it’s always more pain than the pains in her body. And I do it with desire, I feel my desires should be equal to hers, whenever we are choosing vacations, what restaurant to go to, what movie to watch, how much time to spend in sexual positions, even how much time to spend with our respective families. This idea of equality tends to bite us in the ass.

What is equality anyway? It’s an excuse not to find the deep polarities that naturally exist. It served us well in earlier versions of relating. As the stages of relationships go, there’s a stage of equality that is critical in both of us feeling valued as differentiated adults. I can learn to feel “whole” in that phase. After that phase, I’ve learned to discard that sense of equality. Power exists in polarity.

For example, I have come to see that the most connected ideas, the ones that incorporate that deep magical current between me and her, those ideas generally come from her. She feels our connection on that level far better than I do — so I simply can’t put the attention on me if I want any chance of our relationship succeeding there. It’s like watching the wrong racehorse you know is going to lose. If you are in a relationship, the feminine pole is where the money is at. It’s the ball we need to keep our eye on.

The real tragedy is when equality suffocates us and the magic turns off. Because it’s only when I have my attention on her, and she has her attention on her, that her light flickers on. Her magic is the one that lights us both up - it’s actually where the power is. Which is superbly confronting to my ego. I want us to be equal. I want to feel that magic without having more attention on her than she has on me. It feels hella unfair.

It is. But men, we’ve been the flower for ages. We know what it is to have certain attentions, like from our mothers, from society, from our bosses. We gain far more from learning to cultivate that same attention and spend it on her. Because that’s where we will get the most dividends!

Mistake #3: Men try to freeze the flower in stasis.

I have to fight this instinct a lot. It may come from the way I feel deep nostalgia for moments in my past; i miss them. There’s a part of me that wants to rewind to past moments with her, to live in those moments forever because they were just that good. Her sparkling gaze and her luscious smile blew me away that day; we had ridiculously hot, animal, soul-shattering sex that other day; and then I miss that feeling and crave it.

I’ve come to accept the painful truth that the feminine is always changing. There is no peak or end point. You can’t freeze anything feminine, because she is built on desire, and that particular phenomena means anything feminine must continue to evolve to stay turned ON in a way that will fuel us. A constant state of morphing. Women continue to look and feel different, and the thing we fell in love with must and will change - and it’s always beautiful. That’s the key, to always find her beautiful. Her mental curiosity bends, her emotional center rewires, her sexual spark strafes left, and I am learning to enjoy every shift to continue to enjoy her. If I focus on the magic within my woman, and not on the parts of her that scare me or annoy me or hurt my feelings, then she continues to bloom before my eyes.


Where did I go wrong with all those women in my early thirties?

Well I grew up a mama’s boy - so you may have guessed, I wanted to be the flower in the relationship. To be the flower, I pulled for attention on me. My way of ensuring her attention was that I subconsciously pulled for her to become dependent on me. I would have sex with her in the morning and make her late for work. I would show my displeasure if we couldn’t take off for the weekend because of her job. I’d be subtly upset if she wanted to go dancing with out me, as if I made her feel guilty that I’d be home alone and she’d be having fun. It was all under-the-radar subtle, and I didn’t realize I was doing it and I wouldn’t even have been able to admit it if called out on it. This pattern was pretty entrenched in my system, so it was gnarly to fully unwind.

I didn’t really let that pattern go until I had been practicing Orgasmic Meditation for a couple years, and one day I discovered that during OM sessions I would walk away with a lot more energy if I had kept all of my mental focus all on her. Not in that way of a martyred/altruistic fashion, but more of a direct and connected style where it felt enrapturing to my mind and body - and then I’d end those sessions and feel far more nourished and connected than if my attention was on myself.


Fear not, many a man lives out his whole life inside some of those mistakes. We came pre-wired for that software. And if a man’s happy, then let him stay happy. He doesn’t need to try and leap for something that doesn’t scream his name loudly. In my experience, it’s an easier matter to go from bad to good than from good to great. That last bit of attainment in relating requires the greatest desire. Building the perfect relationship where your love unfurls, your sex stays hot, and her inner light blooms - that’s a road less travelled. There aren’t a lot of role models or guides to light the way. If such a life calls you, you’ll be tortured until you man up. That’s the bad news. The good news is that if there’s a stirring of heat in your chest, you have hope.


“Those who love fire fall in the fire. A fly slips from the edge into the whey.

If you are in love with the infinite, why grieve over earth washing away in the rain?

Bow to the essence in a human being. A desert drinks war-blood, but if it knew this secret, springs would rise, rose gardens.”

-Rumi

(Photo Credit: Unknown)