Vacillation is Hell -- Find Your Full Yes or No
by Chris Paizis Nov 23, 2015
I had an experience this past week that gave me a new appreciation for my practices - and my OM practice in particular. I’ve been in an extended peak state over the past month. Life has been amazing thanks to continually saying ‘yes’ to the next right thing, one opportunity after another. It landed me in New York City (a place I’ve always wanted to live), strengthened my relationships, and brought out new skills in my work. It felt like a well-deserved culmination of learning to follow that little voice inside, and to say ‘yes’ in the places that are sometimes quite uncomfortable.
However, like all dynamic systems, nothing is complete in the world of Orgasm. Peaks are not endings; they are brief resting points in part of an ongoing cycle. So as one might expect, I received some news that this particular peak was coming to an end, at least temporarily, and right at that moment, I got to experience some very interesting emergent behavior: it was the experience of vacillation.
When I complete a peak in an OM, I know it’s time to change the stroke. If I’m feeling completely open and surrendered, I see it as an opportunity to enter into new territory: open, curious, and with faith that it will teach me something new. If I’m feeling resistant, however, I hesitate. There is uncertainty. It's in these moments I try to stay in control and go back to something familiar because I don’t feel ready for what’s next.
That’s where I caught myself briefly this past week with the peak I was experiencing in life. I found myself saying ‘yes,’ and then not moving on it right away. In that brief moment, the torture began to creep in. The temptation to check out, to fall into addictive patterns, to seek comfort, started to rise. And just like that I could feel my energy leaking. I suddenly didn’t feel so sharp and I struggled to stay on top of my work for the rest of the day. This subtle feeling of sadness and disappointment in myself as a practitioner crept in. I had fallen out of the pose.
It’s something that has happened to me countless times in the past, but this time it felt different because I recognized it more consciously than ever before. And this is what gave me the gratitude for my practices. I knew that all there was to do was admit I had fallen out of the pose and opt to get back in. I’m choosing to use this peak to propel me into my next phase of personal growth and power. And for that, I only have my practices to thank.
Photo Credit: Kostis Fokas