Permission to Enter (My Sex, My Soul)

by RachelleAnslyn  Nov 22, 2015
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His finger went down and it was full, warm and heavy. He held it still. Every second he was asking permission to enter. It was precise; every second my body responded with one slow yes after another, and every movement he made was a match to my yes. I felt my whole pussy envelop his finger. It was melting and soft, but firm, like a deep hug from an old friend after a raging storm.

Every stroke asked a question, not one of hesitation but one with exquisite care, and something inside of me relaxed, a spot that almost never does. Grounded, electrical warmth circulated my pussy. I could feel my conditioning and expectation arise, that with that kind of electricity running he would come in and take it. And he didn’t. He followed subtle intricate peaks with the same level of permission, each moment coming right back to a very slow, heavy, deep-in-my-body stroke.

I felt this searing heat that moved just below his finger. Electric pulses and saturated throbbing, it was on. We could have gone on a ride that would have been more like a cheap thrill, and he didn’t. Instead something deeper came through to be touched. Something that very few people touch.
I have been OMing for over three years and I have a lot of orgasm in my body, as well as a lot of range. I’m tricky though. The gates are full of various locks and trap doors. I don’t even think what I have is Golden Pussy Syndrome; it’s more like Golden Heart Syndrome if there’s such a thing as that. I feel so much and I work so hard to stay open, have connection in my relationships, and understand the bigger picture with compassion. I deeply believe that people are good and everything we do that causes harm is from acting from our own pain, or acts of good intentions with ignorance of some kind.

So even with such a strong belief in that, there’s still deep protection around the core of my soul. There’s a lot of pain in there and I have no idea where it even came from. I was a sensitive kid and small things left intense impact. Or maybe the pain is from past lives, something ancestral and primal. Whatever it is and wherever it came from, it doesn’t even matter if it’s mine or not, because I’m the one who feels it.

So mostly I’ve adapted to the outside world and kept this thing pretty far back and tucked away. OM is a practice that increases awareness, sensitivity, and feeling, and these spots are just more and more on the surface. The ways I always used to cope and adapt don’t work as well any more.

I was never as reactive as I am now, not on the surface anyway. Growing up, I was perceived as very tough, independent, strong willed, and defiant (to my family). I could and would get through anything. Inside I always had the deep waters and I would get lost in the abyss of emotion. Very few people ever came in there.

These days, I’m cracked open in certain ways. It’s hard for me to talk about a spot without crying. I have a lot of friends who love me a lot and see me. I feel very grateful and blessed.

And then there are these spots; they are spots without words. They go farther back in my soul.

With precise, slow attention, and a lot of love, patience, and approval, the passcodes to enter those spots are revealed. My guardians are doing their job at the gate. I’m learning to put that kind of attention on myself and learn my own passcodes, to give myself a deeper safety in a world where others may not know what they are doing with my heart. It's like a dance, and I'm learning to hold myself in these certain ways, and then step into connection and back to myself to digest the spot.

It’s so much more intense than I ever knew, and my range is so much smaller than I ever played in when I was toughing it all out. It’s like my OM this morning: no cheap thrills that cover up the delicate sensations underneath. I could do life way faster and harder and miss opening the jewels, which I have done. There's a deeper stability and safety that is just begging to develop through this 'permission to open' care I am working with. I pray now to stay right on the spot for myself the way he did in our OM this morning. This gives me a chance to heal old pain and to expand my range for actual on-the-spot connection.

(Photo Credit: Stormen)