My Darkness Is Also My Truth

by RachelleAnslyn  Nov 14, 2015
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When I thought to share this I felt fear as well as excitement. It’s like dark pockets of my soul get to come out and be witnessed, and it’s also crazy to share those spots. I think of the aversion to the darkness we are conditioned to, and that I work hard on being free and finding my way out of these spots to be a beacon of light and joy in the world, a place where my love is my offering. And this was a real experience that has just as much or more potency than something inspirational I could write or share about.

The truth is I have a lot of dark to share too; maybe more dark than light.

I’ve written about desire and how it takes us to these places where you don’t think you want to go, but where your soul is driving you to get free. Demo training is that. Learning to lean in and get off. Maybe I’m awesome at it and maybe I’m just the worst ever. That’s how it feels sometimes.

I’m in LA and this was Day One of demo training for the Intensive with these people I love beyond my comprehension, and all I could feel was this searing hate.

I was in a gnarly place. Super fucking gnarly. It’s still one of those spots that to touch is like a holding a live wire so I’m really gentle there now. I was dying to escape, and I stayed in the room.

We did the demo training and afterwards the prompt was “Who do you want to be in the world? How do you want to show up and what is your offering?” Something to that effect. I sat there and thought of all the things I am and who people know me to be and all of it just made me want to vomit. The only thing that brought any peace was to bring out the mess. As soon as I gave myself permission to actually write how I truly felt in that moment, I went immediately into flow. I relaxed and even laughed out loud at what emerged. It felt so right and on the spot and I surrendered into it fully.

What I want to be in the world: Demo Part 1

I want to kill everyone and tell them they are dumb. I want to disappear in a cloud of smoke with an evil laugh reverberating through it. I want to have everyone feel their impact and idiocy. I want to kick people in the face who think ill of me because of it. I want to cry and fill the ocean with my tears and have ships float on my misery. I want to crush aluminum cans and build a fortress of crushed dreams. I want to fly a kite in the sky that is aimed directly at trees to get entangled with and the doom of the crashing flight imminent. I want to hunt the stupid ones who don’t see and bring them googly eyes to pop in their heads. I want to burn hotel napkins with phone numbers on them as an offering to the gods of hope. I want to kiss the foreheads of children with belief and tell them I’m so sorry you were born with that, because now you are destined to a life of disappointment and pain.

So I share this as an offering of even this spot, all of me out and exposed. I’m sure there are people who will resonate, find relief, connection, even laughter. I’m sure you’ll see a lot of sides to me as I write. The spot is always changing and I’m determined to leave no spot behind, ugly and all.