When I Fuck Up, Maybe I'm Doing It Right

by ChelseyJohnson  Nov 8, 2015

Hello again, my internet friends. I learned something miraculous today. I wanted to make sure I shared it. It was an epiphany - I have them every now and again, and if I don't write them down or tell 7 people, I'm likely to forget.

I love learning. I've always wanted to know things, to understand their nuances and intricacies. When I first came to OM, I watched Nicole work with people and see them so clearly - and I wanted to learn that; I wanted to see in that way.

Little did I know that learning people requires learning the self, one dusty corner or out-of-my-preferences-OM at a time. This practice, and all the places it takes me, works me deeply by showing me what I haven't learned (remembered?) about myself.

Oh myself. What a piece, right? All the things I haven't done and don't know, that I should stop or start doing. All the ways I'm doing it wrong.

Fuck that.

I learned something today: I do what I do because I love learning.

Why am I taking on too much, dropping things, and then suffering the consequences? Well, I love learning how much I can hold. I love learning what I'm made of when I show up as less reliable than a robot. I love learning how to be vulnerable and real with people. I love learning how to value myself and feel valued for more than my performance or production. I love learning how far I've come, how to break the rules I made in my previous experiences, and how to integrate my knowledge in ways that are flexible and plastic.

Anyway, all that wild tangent was to say that when I think I'm doing something stupid because I suck, I'm probably doing it because I love learning. And when I learn that, I can open up a whole new can of whoop ass to explore.

<3 Chelsey