What to do with all this wildness now that I’m married and monogamous?
by OneTaste New York Jul 31, 2015
It’s not like it goes away. It’s still here, simmering under the surface, percolating. Waiting. My inner wolf, eyes flashing, padded paws thumping on forest floors late at night, hot breath making clouds in the cold air: hunting. My inner whore, eyes glittering, heeled and pedicured feet clicking seductively along Main Street, laughter like peels of a bell ringing in his ears, raising the little hairs on end, racing his heart: hunting.
Another part of me leads now. She is a high-level practitioner in a new way. She is sharp, clean, and efficient in her communication. She is occupied with the long long game, which entails her marriage, her business, and keeping her path on point and always with compass aimed toward unconditional freedom. She knows that before, unconditional freedom looked like unconditional sex. Now it looks like monogamy and marriage and working for uninterrupted connection with another human being. “One man, many bodies,” has now become one man in one body. For many years, that concept felt completely confining to me. I needed to practice NOT falling too far in with anyone, falling asleep in a field of poppies and never awakening. Now, somehow, my path to liberation via relationship is located in this form, in this arrangement…and it’s for life.
Sometimes my inner wild one panics. Like waking up in the morning, blinking frantically, not knowing where you are for a minute - she perceives it as a cage. Confinement equals death. She gets angry; scared; hopeless. In these moments I have to speak to her and let her feel my certainty and my knowing. This is the path now, of that I am certain, I whisper to her lovingly. You know I would not make these decisions lightly, my beautiful wild one. I am certain that God has asked this of us, and that it is right. I hold her, and love her, and admire her for her uncompromising wildness. She doesn’t drive the car anymore, she doesn’t take the lead, but we are always in connection and I adore her. She runs free always in the forests and streets and bedsheets of my soul. She IS my soul.
Sometimes when I walk, there’s a type of man who crosses my path. He could look a hundred different ways but he always has a flash in his eyes like a beast. He looks hungry, and doesn’t try to conceal it very hard. His beast roams free in a world that mostly doesn’t recognize it for what it is. And my beast feels his, as we pass on the sidewalk, and for a split second, my wild one leaps towards him, and I have to rein her in, quickly and firmly yet very softly. Come on back in here, I remind her. This is a practice of containment. We did ten years of the other end of things, un-contained and on the loose. So I rein her in, and reconnect with my deeper desire: to hold a sacred container with my man, uninterrupted and un-breached, so we can continue to work our magic together without disruption of that type. So I text him, and send him the electricity from my wildness and my wolf’s desire, and he feels it and he feels at home in my orgasm, wild though it may be.
Remembering my deeper desire is key. Keeping that remembering close at hand as I still adjust to this massively different way of life and relating is imperative. There are many moments in a day where I would drift back to what I’m used to, and then make my husband into an enemy, a man to be handled and controlled lest I lose my freedom to him. I have to watch my mind, and aim always back towards connection with him. And not to wax too romantic here, but…it is beautiful, what we have, and it inspires me to remember my deeper desire, and to set my compass towards always reconnecting with him. Sometimes my wolf wants to eat him, but sometimes she wants to…eat…him. My gratitude to him for doing this with me, also working with his wildness in a certain way, is very deep. I couldn’t do this kind of practice, this kind of focused attention, without a partner willing and desiring to do it with me.
There’s a deep refinement taking place in my being. There’s a softening of my heart. My fierceness is giving way to a consciousness and maturity that gets me better results in the world than the fierceness ever did. The lone wolf flavor of power is giving way to being one of many, aimed at the same purpose, moving mountains together. And the inner whore (whom I will always love and in no way am demeaning here because that archetype is a phenomenal freedom-fighter) is giving way to the inner wife. Overall, there’s a feeling of aloneness becoming togetherness, and a sense of heavy identity dissolution; a deep letting-go of myself as an individual and an allowing of me as a part of a bigger thing. I never quite believed that I didn’t have to fend for myself, make it work. That I wouldn’t feel alone at the end of the day. I made loneliness my friend, and came to terms with it completely. But now something else is available, and I have gone so far in the other direction that it’s quite confronting to let the loneliness melt away as uninterrupted connection takes its place.