The Dark Side of the Moon of Partnership
by OneTaste Living Library Jun 29, 2015
We all have unsung allies. Unknowing accomplices in our liberation, they poke us where we've fallen asleep. Then it's all tingles and sharp aches as we come out of numbness. In OMs, the thawing feels like glass shards. The first thing we feel, when we feel again, is pain.
My partner in this moment of wake-up, he worries I want more than he does. And, truthfully, so do I, over and over again in the mantra of my fears. But I tell him, because I know it to be true, that our desire is co-arising. That our third exists in perfect harmony and resonance. Our egos may have different thoughts, our personalities may have different preferences, our conditioning may have different responses, our cortexes may draw different conclusions... but on the cosmic level, our love is perfectly matched. It is only form that is in question.
The form, as it is taking shape now, is silent. Stony. Cold. I try first stoicism. It crumbles at the first reminder and my throat gets thick.
Next, I decide to feel it all the way through. For the last time, as I am promised is possible. This means days of napping and crying, napping and crying, Jesus, how do still have tears, crying. I become convinced there is no bottom to this pain, that there is nothing to push off from, I will never come up.
I fixate on us. I am sure that if I just hold out long enough, my merit and value will become apparent. That if I give him enough space, he will feel his own desire.
I surrender to my desire to reach out. I say the things that are most true for me, I love you.
I beg, barter, convince. I argue, cry, strategize. I appeal to heart and reason.
Then there is nothing between me and my loneliness. No friends, no enemies. Nothing to blame, nothing but me. Me and the hole inside of me that can never be filled by another.
I had some thoughts about the form. As I decree that it's impossible for either of us to love each other less, for anything to not be real, what I am saying is we should go all in. Our love will always know each other, match each other, true desire cannot wane for one without waning for the other. Dive into our love fearlessly, save nothing for the swim back - because when something is fully experienced, it sets us free. Because, whatever happens will be perfect.
Sometimes I hate being right.
Our partnership is so divinely crafted that this spot, the location of my ever tamped loneliness, he stroked it till I couldn't stay numb. It has woken up. I feel. Oh, do I feel. This experience, in its perfection, has torn away all defenses against myself. I am awake. Alive. Desperate. So, so, lonely. And more of myself than I was before.
This is not what I dreamed of in partnership. It is not the form of connection I sought out, painted in my mind. In the words of a wise friend, it is the dark side of the moon. I cannot see, touch, taste him in my life. We have gone our separate ways to do the work of confronting what the shadows hold. It feels like disconnection, but the truth is, he is my greatest partner in this moment – a silent ally in confronting my fear that I cannot survive alone by trusting, loving me enough to let me feel it.
I don't know what form comes next, but I know I owe much to those who are willing to catalyze my pain. I know that love and desire, always met and matched, exist in both the light and the dark, the presence and the absence. Love takes many forms – and allowing another the pain of waking up is one of the most advanced. So, I dive into my love fearlessly, save nothing for the swim back – because when I allow myself to experience it all, I am set free.