How do you say, “I have everything I need, all I want from you is your soul.”

by OneTaste Australia  Dec 20, 2014
How do you say, “I have everything I need, all I want from you is your soul.”

He walked into my heart like he owned it.

The electricity was palpable the first time we met. His smile: warm, bright, and devilish.

He contains paradox; intellectual and animal, charming like an innocent child and ominously sadistic. A man held between the two poles of his greater and lesser nature.

I have always thought of it in a joking way, but now I really think that I should come with a warning label. Enter at your peril.

For I have a fierce and unruly heart. A warrior, a saint, a sinner.

I am fundamentally oriented towards freedom. I have no attachment to what the form will look like, but I know what liberation feels like. Or at least when I am on the path to it and when I’m not. And, that’s what I live for.

I sometimes get distracted for a little while. Or I take a little nap without realizing that I dozed off. I’ve even been known to forget my path for a moment. Luckily for me I have friends who know how to keep me awake the majority of the time.

Connection is where I find God. I know myself fully when held against another. And I happen to teach a path to deeper connection through a practice called Orgasmic Meditation, or OM.

The subtle intricacies of sensation that are available in OM are what woke me up. Somewhere deep inside my soul had always known what life is supposed to feel like. But I actually got to experience it; I got turned on, thawed out, through OM in such a way that I could actually feel the pulse of life in my body.

Taking risks is fundamental to this orgasmic way of living – maybe that’s why I let him all the way back here. I recognized him, I knew who he was. It was remarkable but I chose to trust it. I took my layers off, like stepping out of a suit of amour. I let him feel all of me.

And the alchemy of connection began. The years of work I have done on myself, the magic I have accumulated, the power of being deeply seen, loved, and accepted began to do its work on him. Carl Jung said that the personality is like a chemical, when two come together and there is a reaction, both are transformed.

I know that I am the kind of woman who will fuck you up, make you fall apart, not through maliciousness, but through the intensity of my love; its vibration. It will melt old layers, stir up what’s deep inside, and bring any debris up to the surface. I keep my system hot through Orgasmic Meditation. It is the internal fire, or crucible that creates change.

But how do you say that to someone and not come off as arrogant or conceited? Especially when men are trained to enter a woman’s life assuming he’s going to be the knight in shining armor and provide things she didn’t have before?

How do you say, “I have everything I need, all I want from you is your soul.”

I believe change happens from within so in some ways I try to appear normal. I do have one of the most far out dating profiles around but perhaps men think that I am simply being poetic? That it can’t possibly be true.

My mentor says that women like us, who have been turned on; tapped into our desire, our magic, our power - that we are more different than we realize.

So the change comes for him. All the shit from his past comes up, all his fear about surrendering, and pride around being polished by a woman. And here I am loving him in a way that probably felt all consuming, hard to fully take in, to digest.

Having been disarmed, it is all just flows out of me, like a warm soft pink liquid from my body and heart. Not knowing how to turn it off even if I wanted to. I am in my involuntary.

And his unconsciousness begins. Drinking, smoking, drugs. Fear, resentment, maybe even a little hatred. It manifests as jabbing comments, harsh responses to soft questions, bad moods and a sharp tongue. All the while I absorb the hard edges and the hurt because I have so much orgasm in my body that it creates a kind of buffer.

It becomes so intense for him that a small fight becomes a reason to create an enormous wedge between us. He takes everything he owns from my house where he has been staying, including his shampoo.

I close the door, and the floor drops out from underneath me and the earth swallows me whole. I am underground, in the dark, senseless, moving through mud. I loose my appetite; I listen to the same sad song over and over again. I go through the motions but I cannot get any traction.

I learned a lot form this dance. If I could do it again, I would have told you that sex is a portal. You stepped through it without knowing what you were getting yourself into. I wish I could have explained the unexplainable to you; spoken words that describe the mystery. But perhaps trying to communicate it is futile. This is an experiential path, one that has to be felt.

Where suffering, pain, and anguish cannot be avoided, but moved through without attachment. Where we are hollowed out regularly so that we become expanded containers for life, love, and sensation.

There is a God size hole in me that being with you soothed for a while. But I am sober now, and I am back to trying to find the exit button on this life, and return home.

I am clearer about who I am, and that my thirst for freedom is irrefutable and undeniable.

You can be powerful, successful, handsome, loving, kind, and all the rest of it. But if you do not have your heart set on going through that portal with me, then it will not work. You can be a pit stop along the way or a companion on the path. But I am going.

I read one of those quote images once that said, “The purpose of a relationship is the set the other person free.” I believe that sex and relating are the most potent ways of getting there.

On this round I learned that I must not abandon myself, my desire, or try to be good.

I will require more of you than you think you are capable of. You can thank me later. Or maybe you’ll just remember that crazy time in your life when you dated a woman who called herself a witch.