Compensatory Desires and The Real Thing
by Chelsey Johnson Nov 26, 2014
There are so many things I've wished for in my life. Relationships, living situations, resources, experiences, talents and skills. As a child I wished for bricks to build a castle in my backyard. Bricks. With which to build walls. To create a place that was mine, to build security with my own two hands. At 7, I knew I could build something with the structural integrity that would last till the materials themselves began to crumble, and I craved the freedom to make my own world.
Later, I wished for talents to prove my value to others, to be worth of attention and praise. I wished for boys to like me, I wished for men to love me, I wished for freedom to travel, rooms filled with light and hardwood floors, the money to drink fancy juices and eat fair-trade organic pasture-raised shaman-blessed local meals. I wished that I could learn everything I was interested to the point of mastery. I wished for a life that moved with grace and ease, that reflected my inner beauty for the world to see. And I set my sights on a path that I thought could bring me what I wanted, a path to deserve, to become worthy, to create the future of my dreams.
Beginning self-excavation was part of the path to earn my future. Growing up meant identifying the desires that drove my behavior and choices, and learning to own them so that I could move consciously. Unexpectedly, on the journey to actualization, I learned that desire was actually a compass. I leaned into the things that drew me and noticed how I felt in pursuing those in contrast to the story of should in my imagination.
It was a beautiful shift. Life became a series of adventures. I was excited, turned on, awake in my experiences - present more than I had been since those days of castle designs in the backyard.
And still I wished. I wished for a great love, I wished for opportunities to fall into my lap, I wished to impress. I wished for the monetary resources to do all of the learning and growing and truth-seeking available to me. I wished that my art, my talent, my purpose would be supported so that I could stop efforting so damn hard.
But, in a beautiful and painless moment last night, I realized something profound. Those were actually compensatory desires. Rather than being the real thing I wanted to touch, they were the signposts that I imagined I would find when I had what I truly, deeply, intrinsically wanted. All of those wishes were simply tangible and measurable evidence of my attainment. What I actually desire is to be fully seated and centered in myself - to be congruent, connectable, full with my orgasm. To trust my power, to live from it, to love with it, overflow with it. To become a master player in my life. What I desire is something I will know by feel, not formula.
In that spot, life will look like it looks. Rich or poor, solo or surrounded - it won't much matter - I will have what I've always really wanted. My full, accepted, powerful, orgasmic, loving... self.