Wanting More For Others - A Recipe For Resentment
by Chelsey Johnson Nov 23, 2014
Most who are drawn to me enjoy adventuring into the caverns of the psyche, the underbelly of our inner workings. I like excavating. Turning things over, deconstructing. My mind works like a conceptual archeologist, wielding a dusty paintbrush and magnifying glass, sometimes a pick, with little numbers on pins that map the position of each element in an idea's skeleton. My favorite brain activity is to determine the structural integrity of paleolithic schemas and tear them apart to find where their bones truly belong.
OM, to me, is a direct line to what is true, and who I am. It is the most potent and powerful self-revelatory and "fact"-checking practice that I have ever encountered. It is also the only way I have ever found to quiet my thoughts and be with the truths that my mind cannot wrestle, to let go enough to feel the things I know instinctively. And, that place of pure faith in the truth found through feeling... it is a rabbit hole, a portal to information that can never be fully forgotten, if ever practiced deeply enough to pass through.
Because it is a practice, it takes commitment. And it is not for the faint of heart. Or the content. Or anyone, really, save those motivated by the sensation that ABSOLUTELY nothing less will do. And tourists to my world, while interested in the adventure, would usually rather live in their comfort zones and watch the dust fly from a safe distance.
See, I have had a habit of falling in love with friends and strangers, and wanting them to come with me. Come explore the dinosaurs. It is what I do, I dig, I dig for the realest thing. The trouble comes when I convince. It goes something like this. They are attached to brontosaurus, it is their favorite. I protest their nostalgia is for something that never existed, that their beliefs are built on a mistaken composite, a mismatched skeleton, and they usually listen. In the end though, they resent me for it. They were happy to have lived without ever knowing, and I ruined it. And though sometimes they move past their blame, we both suffer for my presumptuousness that all should go this road.
I think sometimes that I want others to come with me, and that it is for them. But truly, what I want is more connection. And that means letting go of my brain skeletons and maps and tools and feeling more.
What I feel, when I feel, about OM and exploring the depths within, is it must be undertaken of one's own volition. Our beliefs, our patterns, our programs are like addictions, and like addicts, we cannot be forced to give them up - it must be our own decision, we must be motivated intrinsically for the process to be sustainable. In the OM community it is a principle to match desire - want no more or less than for others than they want for themselves. I understand now, why it doesn't work to pull others into this Wonderland with me. It is a journey best undertaken with pure desire for the path, not to be confused with desire to please, or for a person, or any of the other reasons we say yes to things.
So, another schema is being deconstructed - my idea of how to best serve and connect has been adjusted to reflect the person before me, the way that I feel with them, rather than my own lofty, well evidenced ideas. Trusting that everyone's path and experience is perfect, I want no more for others than they want for themselves... and never, never any less.