The Path of Most Resistance - An Ode To Pressure

by Chelsey Johnson  Nov 23, 2014

ode-to-pressure

I like to dig deep and stay there. Discontented in comfort, I want more. No one has ever accused me of being light-hearted, laid back, or carefree. Playful, sure. Loving and approachable and accessible, yes. But no one mistakes me for anything other than intense. As you might expect, I haven't taken the easy road.

For the last few years, or maybe my whole life, I have been determined to blow through every inner resistance. I've stood, literally on occasion, at the most daunting precipices, with more determination than sense. I have jumped off the highest, most reckless and unsafe of the rocks into uncertain waters without flinching, knowing that it was commitment or death. Driven by some unnamed part that must - fear, pride, purpose, insatiable hunger... it was as though each jump was the answer to a question I existed to resolve.

I came to OM to be cracked open, to get free. I wanted my patterns and games and layers and masks demolished. Rather than bracing, I leaned in, invited, begged for the penetration and violation that would strip me of defenses. The down strokes were my guttural moments of relief from the weight of my desire - the basement was my Holy Grail.

Though my experience was intense, I didn't get free - I never made it as far down as I felt I could go. In a way, it was like straining for climax and having all the contractions and spasms without release. My conversations demanded more direct feedback, my clit demanded more pressure, more speed. I had a goal. Freedom at any cost.

And then, one day, someone asked me why I was so sure that what I needed wasn't a light stroke. And in that moment my system actually relaxed. The part of me that couldn't be opened by force was called by a soft honey sweet question filled with approval.

Like physical therapists won't allow tissue stimulation at faster pace than the body is prepared to handle, the process of psychic revelation has to occur at a pace that matches the process of the mind and heart or else it causes more trauma than freedom. A lifetime of self-imposed and sought out pressure has my system ever vigilant, and as much as I want to open all the way, I can't be pried without hitting my own immune response to the invasion.

So I am asking for lighter strokes these days. I am finding more range, more sensation, more information in the stillness and lightness than I tried to extract from the hardest situations. It is a new precipice - one that requires I trust my inner timeline, trust that I don't have to fight for my freedom. I'm already free, free of my goal, free to stand on this precipice until I melt, open and over, without resistance.