The Language Of Touch
by Serpil Quinn Nov 11, 2014
I am often lost for words and don’t know what to say. There is so much pressure to say the right things, to form the perfect stroke. Language is the currency of our connection, connection is no doubt the reason that language was formed.
However, often, the feelings I have and the spots inside my inner labyrinth are so deep and buried, there is no clear route for them to pass through to words and express themselves. It’s not that I don’t want to convey them or be vulnerable, I just seem to lack the skill, the bridge to make that traverse.
And so it is, half of the time, the words I say and the sentences I form have no bearing where I’m at or in ‘resonance’ with what I am actually feeling inside in the moment. And sometimes, it truly feels that I am trapped in there. It’s not that I don’t want to come out and show and have you feel me, it’s just that I am often trapped in here, and I have lost the way through my own labyrinth. It was a labyrinth that was formed in my sub-conscious, all my life, every moment is captured and imprinted down there. Every fear, every time I got hurt, is a wall or a block, keeping me away from the authenticity.
There is a way out though and is quite simply… touch. Touch is the route through to connection for me. I have always known it to be true about myself, that sex is my best language. It just is.
In sex, I have the fluency to express myself with a freedom and abandon that is not otherwise available to me through texts, emails and endless processing. My sex is the place that I play all out, I let go and where I can finally show you what resides in here. It’s such a relief to bypass all the crap and just let it out without the filters and conditioning that is so embedded into language.
I think one of the keys to it, is that I am in complete approval of my sex and what it is. I don’t question it. I just know it. It makes sense, it just is. My body’s intelligence takes center stage and everything flows in a way that is undeniable and true.
The other night I was talking to a new person, someone I had just met and I genuinely wanted to connect with her. I was curious about her, she was quite introverted, but I could feel she was feeling really sad. So I was asking her questions and trying to get to know her, she was a dancer. Everything I said, she diverted me, she was a little aloof, quite checked out and there was no sensation in anything that she was saying. We talked for 10 minutes, a wasted 10 minutes about nothing. And I had a moment that I pulled back, I felt hurt in myself as it felt that she didn’t want to see me or feel me. It was also not compelling to engage further with her. I was about to walk away, and then I stood and looked into her eyes and I could feel all that was peculating inside, and I leant in and I just gave a her a hug. In the space of about 10 seconds, her body relaxed, I felt it open and she let me feel her, she was sad, our bodies both knew it, we held the embrace for a long while and everything we were hiding from each other fell away and we touched a moment of connection.
And so it is, that touch for me has that magic decoder in it. It penetrates through all those layers where words fail. And for me, this shows up in my sex. I may say I hate you, I may avoid you, I may blame you and want to deny you access, but when you are near me and my body hums, and heat waves up and around my torso and my hands can’t but travel through your hair and clasp around your shoulders, our magnets pull in towards each other with a force that is stronger than any other, my sex comes out and all there is to know is transparent and free.