A Realized Desire is a Doorway
by Alla Zoller Jun 16, 2014
I love the feeling of accomplishment. I am the master of to-do lists and get immense satisfaction in checking each item off. One by one. Check.
With all the things that needed doing (important things!) I didn’t have time for my desires. So for the majority of my life, I dismissed them, suppressed them, and pushed them away. They became so quiet - mere whispers - that I couldn’t even hear them.
“Who needs those desires anyway?”, I thought, “It’s not like I am actually going to get what I want, so why bother!”
And then I started OMing … and then … I did get what I want.
My desires realized and materialized. And as I stood completely dumbfounded by this realization, a flood of completely new desires doused me like a wave and I fell over sputtering.
What .. What just happened? I thought I made it, I got what I wanted and I checked a desire off my list. And yet like a cork shooting to the surface after being pushed under water, new desires surged into my awareness. Great. How long is it going to take to check these off?
Feeling overwhelmed, anxious and impatient I started to strategize and make plans. I knew how to fulfill my desires, I could make it happen. Lists and strategies have always worked for me before.
Until they didn’t.
The harder I tried, the less got realized. At the peak of my frustration, I found myself sobbing and hitting a couch pillow, throwing a complete tantrum and screaming “I want what I want when I want it!”
As the storm blew out, in the stillness I found … surrender.
I began to understand that realizing my desires is something that I allow instead of make happen. That my only job is to relax, feel it, and follow the sensation. Keeping track of time and progress only takes me out of the experience, so I notice and gently come back to the sensation. How does the desire feel in my body? What would it feel like if it was realized right now? What do I desire in this moment? Oh.
I also glimpsed the vast sea of my desires and knew that I would never be done. I will never complete this or check it off. Each realized desired opens the doorway to more desires, and I journey to the next doorway which opens up to even more.
I will never be done.
Life is not something that I accomplish. Life is the journey between the doorways of realized desires and I can choose how that journey feels.
I am going for deliciously pleasurable. Check.