LACKAWANNA

by Joannabutcher  Jun 5, 2014

So when I arrived at the coaching training in New York for the first time last Friday, I stood around and enjoyed the high windows, the white and all the light coming in. I saw the incredible view of the river and was drawn to the windows. On the other side of the river was a huge sign under a clocktower. It said “Lackawanna.”

My own relationship to scarcity and lack had changed almost immediately when I started OMing. I had moved from lack to being given permission to explore my desire, my wants. I had moved from lack to wanting.

But that is not a logical move. Because in the Land of Scarcity, I thought the antidote, the answer to lack was having. What I learned with OMing is that the opposite of lack is wanting. When I lived in the Land of Scarcity, I trained myself to never want anything. I can remember being an infant and training myself to cry silently because no one would come, so I had lived in this Land for a long time. I knew there wasn’t any point in wanting anything because I wouldn’t get it.

Once I was given permission to discover my desires, to feel them, write them, express them, I saw how that opened a channel of bright energy inside me. Like in an OM, when sometimes I feel my pussy reach out to kiss and grab my stroker’s cock, it’s not that I’m going to fuck him – necessarily! - but it feels so good wanting to.

Lack of want was what I thought the goal was. And that lack of want would be achieved by having everything I wanted. When in fact, the wanting is what makes life delicious.

Acknowledging that I have desire at all is such a big change for me. I still feel a lot of wanting that is unexpressed, buried. The first step is acceptance that desire exists at all.

On that Friday morning, I was so grateful to the OneTaste staff for having put that Lackawanna sign there, just for me! It held so much meaning for me. Of course, I understand that the sign was there as part of the skyline and not, in actuality created just for me. But, IN FACT, it was a sign that was all mine.

When I live in a desire-based world, the gifts of abundance of the Universe are all trained on me. When I lack wants, it’s because I have chosen to see everything in God’s creation as a gift, a random act of kindness created especially for me.

What’s next? It’s to see the things in my life that I typically reject as God’s gifts too. That which I usually complain and fight about as a random act of kindness: the migraines, the PMDD, the weight around my belly, the sickness, the low income, the violence and neglect in my childhood, the lost relationships, missed opportunities, life’s failures, all of it as a generous gift. Then, even my belief in, and time spent imprisoned in scarcity and lack is a gift.

My AA sponsor asks: “God is a controversial artist; can you get into her edgier work?” I want to want her edgier work with all my heart and soul. I want to want her edgier work like my pussy wants to suck cock.