Breaking My Own Rules With Men (Falling for the Bad Guy).
by Kimberly C. Mar 7, 2014
I'm gaining increasing approval for the fact that I'm a masochist. I have always been with men who treated me terribly and in the past I've always twisted and contorted myself to be whatever they wanted. I've put all of their needs above mine, I've made their desires more important than my own. In the end I've always felt worthless, meaningless, valueless, and in desperate need of their approval which I never received.
About 6 weeks ago I realized I had a high level of attraction with a particular man. I'd had few experiences going after men based purely on the sensation I felt in my body. I found that even just being in this man's physical presence made my body tremble and tingle all over. And stating my desires to him and following the sensation in my body felt exciting and satisfying on a very new level. I started to break my rules and let go of my judgments and feel the power in my ability to surrender to him.
Then one day, he tells me about how he's always wanted to date a model and how he's never dated the 'hot girl'. It felt like a sucker punch to my gut. In my mind I'm thinking, 1. I'm not the 'hot-girl', 2. He would drop me immediately if he met the 'hot-girl', and 3. My feelings are nowhere on his radar right now, so he clearly doesn't care about me at all. I thought, "oh my god, I'm drawn to an asshole ... again". I immediately dropped into a spiral of: "Why am I always so attracted to men who make me feel not good enough", "What is wrong with me?", "Do I still hate myself so much that I'm pulling these men into my life?"
"I should just end it with him," I thought trying to think of how to protect myself because clearly I desire the wrong men. I tried to just deny the desire I felt for him. Then I'd sit next to him and feel electricity under my skin and feel like my body was betraying me. I felt deviant and fundamentally messed up. I spent a couple days feeling trapped in these old patterns that no matter how much work I'd done and how far I'd come I still couldn't break this cycle of being inexplicably drawn to men who were "bad for me".
Then I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized all of the stuff he said was his stuff ... not mine. He was voicing his own insecurities and inadequacies and it really had nothing to do with me. Everything that had come out of his mouth was his "story" that hit up against my "story" ... and all of it was, frankly, bullshit!
I realized that nothing he said meant anything about me. And my being attracted to him in spite of all of it was just my body being attracted, which also didn't mean anything about me.
It was huge for me to find that space between story and meaning. Most of my stories are around not being good enough. So to hear a man I'm extremely attracted to say that he's never dated the 'hot girl', well that means I'm not a 'hot girl'. And if I'm not a 'hot girl' that means that I'm: ugly/undesirable/repulsive/disposable/valueless... (the list goes on and on getting worse and worse). Meanwhile, first what he said is his opinion and not fact (in fact, many men find me to be extremely hot). Second, even if his opinion were fact, this is not an a=b, and b=c, so a=c type thing. Not being a 'hot girl' does not mean that I'm ugly. Not being a 'hot girl' does not mean I'm undesirable. Not being a 'hot girl' especially does not mean I'm repulsive, let alone disposable or without value. All of that is my story and what I have made not being the 'hot girl' mean to me. And it's all a bunch of bullshit!
But still, I ask myself, "How can I be attracted to this guy when he thinks so little of me?" "What does that say about how much I value myself?"
The answer I've come up with is: that I have a metric-fuck-ton of sensation with this man. I don't know why, but I do. I am fully aware that he is going to either intentionally or unintentionally trigger me on a regular basis. I am fully aware that his woundings hit directly against my own. And I am fully aware that his stories and his judgments and his opinions and his feelings about me mean nothing about me. My self worth is not dependent upon him. I'm learning first hand how much I love myself and how I can be physical and intimate and open and loving and vulnerable even with someone who isn't nice to me. I'm testing the limits to which I can recognize the stories and know they mean nothing about who I am. I'm seeing how much I can love myself and know my true value and worth. I'm feeling how huge and powerful my love is. I'm finding out how much I can surrender to sensation. I'm trusting that my sensation will bring me to freedom.