The Power Of Clean Requests
by Roy Piper Jan 30, 2014
I’ve spent a lot of my life making “soft” requests, shortchanging my own desires in the process. My fear of hearing “no” has outweighed my desire to ask for what I really want, causing a feedback loop of perceived rejection and self-denial, all of my own making.In the past, when I asked for a make-out, OM or favor, I would often ask in a passive way; “It would be really fun to make-out with you.” Or, “We should OM someday.” Or, “I could really use a hand fixing my computer.” In each case, I requested in a way that did not “own” my desire. I sent out a signal that I was unsure of myself. It is no surprise I would receive a “no” or “yes” with the same nebulous energy I put out, such as “Maybe sometime later.” Or, “I can’t right now.” Or, “Lemme look at my calendar.” This resulted in a very unsatisfying result for both myself and the requestee. Energy out equals not only equals energy in, but often at the same frequency of transmission!
By becoming acclimated to the clean nature of requests for OM and for offers and adjustments within an OM, I have begun changing this dynamic outside the “nest.” The results have been beyond my expectations.
When I ask for something now, it is more likely to be very specific, in both nature, time window and energetic outlay. In addition, I attempt to feel my true, underlying desire and not couch it behind a request for something else. Finally, I match my request to the highest sensation stroke I can resonate with. In other words, I am completely honest.
“It really felt good to sit next to you in class last week. I feel we have a connection and I would like to explore this, further. Would you like to make out next immersion weekend? Another example would be “I am having computer issues. Would you please help me fix it this Friday?” Another variation might be, “I feel I am underpaid for what I do in my job compared to what I bring to the table. I would like a raise of 15%, starting next month.”
In each case, I am owning the request and desire, by being direct and specific. I have put myself on the line. This stroke is not only is the highest sensation for me, but for the other person as well. Asking for what I really desire, cleanly and specifically, is a service to the requestee. By asking, I have created a high-sensation “game” and have invited the other to feel more in their body, whereas an unclean request does not give them permission to do so. By making honest, specific requests, I am playing for my freedom…. and theirs.
If they say “yes,” my ability to ask cleanly gets re-enforced. If I hear “no,” then I know it was a “no” to my offer, not to me. It is when I ask uncleanly, or couch my desire, or short-serve my desire, that “no” feels like a personal rejection. I already said “no” to myself when I asked by not owning my true desire. Why should they say yes when I have already rejected myself?
I now practice making specific, clean requests in a way I never have before. This makes the game more fun. It increases sensation. It brings the other into the game at a very high level and plays for both of our freedom. It often leads to deeper connection. “Yes” and “no” become an invitation to go deeper and feel oneself.
Requests, as a form of practice. A very high game indeed.