I OM: The Story of Teddy
by OneTaste Living Library Nov 26, 2013
I walked into my first Orgasmic Meditation class having done as much online research as I could. I watched all the videos and read all the articles. The time I put into research did not prepare me for the experience I was about to have. I came to the class to find a girlfriend, and I found so much more.
My previous relationships with women always ended with me having a broken heart. I would pour all of my love and attention onto the women in hopes of showing them how much I cared about them. This was my idea of how I could build a long-term relationship. It never worked. The longest relationship I had was 3 months. There would be droughts of 2 years in between my relationships where I would have very little intimacy with women. I wanted relationships with woman.
Instead, I had pornography as a constant companion. I watched porn and masturbated on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. I grew up thinking masturbation was a normal thing that every boy in middle school did. As I got older I began to realize that my porn and masturbation habit was a problem. In high school, I would make plans with friends to hang out, and then I would go home and masturbate. After masturbating I would feel empty inside and physically drained. I would come up with some lame excuse to tell them I was backing out of the plans I had agreed to. This pattern of shying away from human interaction became a constant theme in my life. I always had porn and masturbation to occupy my time.
In college, I felt closed off and isolated from my fellow students. While everyone was going out to the bars on the weekends, I would stay in my apartment and hang out with a small group of people who I felt comfortable with. I longed for connection with the people I was spending time with but would feel empty inside in their presence. When I was around friends, I would feel isolated, looking forward to being alone so I could withdraw to my bedroom and computer screen. I felt like I was missing out on my college experience because I wasn’t having one-night stands and going out on dates. Even though I longed for a girlfriend, I was too afraid to go out and meet people.
I struggled with a porn addiction for more than a decade before I was finally able to admit I had a problem. Porn numbed my body and shut down my sex. I knew if I wanted to ever have a meaningful relationship with a woman I needed to stop watching porn and masturbating. I decided to stop watching porn in November of 2012. Coincidentally, within a few months I was walking into a classroom full of strangers to learn about Orgasmic Meditation. OM has allowed me to feel into the desires of my body. The intimacy and vulnerability of stroking a woman’s clitoris has started to thaw my body. I no longer watch porn or masturbate. I am able to communicate with women on a level that I have never even thought was possible. I am able to feel what I want and clearly speak my desire.
Since I started the practice of Orgasmic Mediation I have discovered that what I really wanted when I walked into that first class was connection, not necessarily a girlfriend. Before I started this practice, having a girlfriend meant I would have someone to be intimate with, someone to share laughs with, and someone to be there to support me through times of difficulty. Now that I OM I have developed this ability to connect with everyone around me, even a cashier who I have a minute long conversation with. The container of Orgasmic Meditation has given me access to feel my body, permission to be comfortable with who I am, and the confidence to express myself. OM has introduced me to a new way of relating with others and provided me with rich meaningful connections that I never could have imagined possible, far beyond having a girlfriend. I am grateful for this practice, the personal awareness it has brought me, and showing me what I really wanted. Connection.