13 Steps to a Better Orgasm
by Nirmala Nataraj Oct 24, 2013
The jury may still be out on what exactly makes a woman get into the zone of that near-mythical, perfect-three-octave kind of orgasm. But here in the wilderness of turn-on, orgasm is a state of mind rather than a climactic souvenir you pick up at the sexy carnival. Given the variations in sexual topography (i.e., no two clitorises are alike), and the kind of stimuli that can get a gal spinning into a whole new stratosphere, it's no wonder that some of us can experience orgasm simply by thinking about it, while for others, it may remain frustratingly out of reach. Here are some of our tips for achieving an orgasmic state of mind—minus the extra bells and whistles.
1. Forget the statistics. You've heard it before: only 30% of women achieve climax from intercourse alone. Well, for the purpose of actually feeling our sex (without the dismal numbers to harsh our mellow), we're gonna put this number out of our head. For one thing, our definition of orgasm takes all the scenery into account rather than gunning for the final destination. Don't worry about what other women are or are not feeling; in order to get into tip-top orgasmic shape, you're gonna have to take your mom's advice and quit comparing yourself to someone else. It's not about whose is bigger or better or more scream-inducing; it's about what feels good—to you. And whether that looks like a raging climax or warm ripples through your belly, defining your orgasm quotient on the basis of a mostly arbitrary statistic (who's measuring, anyway?) won't get you any closer to bliss. Besides, the numbers lie and leave out the best information of all: when you're in a state of orgasm, climax is just the tip of the iceberg!
2. Take control of your orgasm. Now for the not-so-great news, ladies: all of us have an admission to make, whether we're conscious of it or not. Part of claiming our orgasm entails owning our culpability. Yup, that's right. We've acclimated ourselves to a state of whining and moaning and generally shifting the onus of our sexual satisfaction onto the men in our lives. This isn't to say that oblivious men are completely off the hook—but if we want to delve into the juicier aspects of our sex, we must be willing to do the work and quit waiting for Prince Charming to save us and our orgasm. But don't worry—she who takes on that responsibility more than reaps the fruits of her labor.
3. Hang the fantasies up to dry. We've read all the advice columns that suggest indulging in a little bit of mental hanky-panky while you're getting it on with someone else. We highly advise against this. When your attention is compromised by fantasy, you're essentially desensitizing yourself to the wide swath of sensation that is present in the moment—which includes the anxiety, the boredom, the worries about whether or not he'll think you're hot if you keep the lights on. In fact, the point of orgasm is to get out of your head and inhabit each delicious inch of your body. And the more accustomed you are to leaving your body in favor of a little mental pick-me-up, the harder it will be for you to see and know yourself as perfectly orgasmic—no matter what the circumstances may be.
4. Ask your honey for all the dirty details. Most women are notorious for being uber-self-conscious about all the little details—whether that's a too-fat ass, unseemly amounts of cellulite, visible bacne, or angst over the way her pussy looks/smells/tastes. We say: instead of getting hung up on the details, relish them. Ask your man to tell you exactly what he sees, senses, and notices—no holds barred. Surprisingly, the sensation of overcoming your fear and willingly taking him in will create the kind of intimacy that trying for perfection seldom affords us. It's likely that he's going to be fixating on fascinating factors, like the way your nipples enlarge and change shape and color, as opposed to the fact that you haven't shaved your legs in two days and seven hours. Don't be surprised when you find yourself getting turned on.
- Get selfish. Women have a tendency to become overly concerned with how good their partner feels, sometimes to their own detriment. It's fine to want your man to feel satisfied, but don't forget about your own pleasure. After all, there's nothing sexier than a woman who knows exactly how she wants to be stroked, sucked, and fucked. Letting him take you to the point of no return will definitely require the willingness to act a little entitled—at least some of the time!
6. Forego techniques in favor of what feels good. If you're the kind of girl who compiles sex tips ranging from the latest oral trends in porn to time-honored go-to's from the Kama Sutra, relax your reflex. The boatload of advice that's available online and at your local grocery-store checkout line is enough to make your head spin faster than you can say “kundalini.” Forget about memorizing someone else's stories about what's gonna give your orgasm the right kind of pyrotechnics to make you sizzle. Treating orgasm like an objective to race towards won't get you any closer to the finish line. Being in your body and figuring out what feels good for you will.
7. Explore the in-between. Too often, we reduce orgasm to an epic event: the kind of cosmic spectacle that eclipses all the other cool stuff that's happening. Resist your urge to define orgasm on the basis of how well and how often you climax. Instead, settle into the delightfully sexy in-between—that incredible range of sensation that gets you out of seeing orgasm as one particular band on the visible color spectrum, and makes you curious about the undiscovered territory on either side.
8. Talk it through. Ambiguity might've been sexy in high school, but communication is the new aphrodisiac. Be clear, clean, and honest about what is and isn't happening. And don't be coy about anatomical terms; eradicate often-used euphemisms like “down there” and tell him exactly what your pussy wants. Everyone will thank you for it. (Consider clarity the same as paying it forward to all the other pussies he's likely to encounter after yours. A little friendly guidance via some truth-dishing is truly a public service.)
9. Don't forget to breathe. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the moment that we forget to actually live it. Do yourself a favor and breathe. The oxygenating action will make your sensations that much more intense. And you'll be making the moment so much more vibrant by sticking around to experience it.
10. OM together often. Certainly, you were predicting this one. And for good reason. OM gives us and our partners a profound understanding of the intricate map of sensation that our body is begging us to read. It intensifies our experience of our sex in the way it increases honesty, empathy, and connection. Plus, it makes our eyes shine and our skin glow; and everyone knows that feeling beautiful leads to releasing inhibitions leads to getting our orgasm on without further ado.
11. Master the art of the cocksucking. It may sound counterintuitive, but it's true. A woman who is intimately connected to her orgasm and utterly saturated in the power of her sex experiences the kind of energetic high that enables her to get off on sympathetic sex. That is, pleasuring him is enough to skyrocket her own passion. This is a more advanced stroke, but learning to suck cock and truly love it can lead a woman to the kind of unequivocal surrender that makes orgasm a totally automatic and involuntary response. Hint: that's a good thing.
12. Get to know your own landscape. Many women are afraid to get intimate with their intimate parts. We're indoctrinated with the fallacy that since they aren't immediately accessible to the naked eye, they don't warrant the same kind of attention as, say, a penis. We encourage you to buck the conventions and get curious about the particularities of your pussy. Bust out the mirrors, experiment with different touches and temperatures, and get the full read on your honeypot. She's been dying to tell you what's on her mind.
13. Keep it simple, stupid. Vibrators, toys, exotic techniques, and lingerie that takes about an hour to get on and off. The coterie of “stuff” that gets piled onto our orgasm is practically endless. The good news is that none of these things are necessary, or even helpful, when it comes to accessing our orgasm. So dispense with the temptation to call in the big guns. You and your orgasm don't need the extra ammo; the simple willingness to show up and be present to whatever arises will be more than enough to place you smack in the epicenter of all the important action.