If I Hadn't Found Orgasm, I Would Still Be...
by OneTaste Living Library Oct 10, 2013
If I weren't doing orgasm:
1. I'd be putting a lot of energy towards building my Linkedin account and monitoring who is checking me out
2. I'd be getting high.... a lot. Usually by myself because people are kind of dumb and can be distracting.
3. I'd be playing squash (this one I actually miss I hope orgasm brings it back in to my life someday soon)
4. I'd probably have travelled to South America for a week-long trip of peyote or whatever it is people do down there when they go hallucinate
5. I'd attend meditation community sitting meditations and idealize the teachers there though would harbor a secret resentment that they didn't really get their hands dirty
6. I'd read the news A LOT
7. I'd get an MBA
8. I'd still yet to have had a relationship where I didn't "cheat" on my partner. On one hand I wouldn't have the courage or really the wherewithal to suggest an open relationship with whoever I was dating, and on the other I certainly couldn't resist the forbidden fruit (they provide me the rare moment I actually could feel something)
If I weren't doing orgasm this is what I'd be doing instead:
1. Sitting in a small, well-lit windowless room, in my head, fixated on a highly engineered piece of electronics.
2. Watching porn in the evenings.
3. Being in regular disapproval of my cock and my desire.
4. Saving women or putting women on pedestals under the guise of "helping" them and being a "nice guy" while contributing to a 401k-sized account of interest-accruing resentment until either I got bored or she blew things up and I would remember how fucking awesome it felt to be single. Rinse, repeat.
5. Doing drugs to bend reality but not really getting any more complex as a human being as a result.
6. Going to meditation retreats and loving the shit out of them but still not being able to talk about sex and orgasm.
7. Staying well, well, within my comfort zone.
If I weren't doing orgasm, I’d be…
1. Watching, powerless to stop it, as my soul died a slow death in a corporate office where only about 10% of who I really am was welcome.
2. Grimacing and clamping down my sex every time any man who didn’t look like a GQ model gave any indication that he was a sexual being or that he saw me as a sexual being.
3. Faking sensation, pleasure, and climax, so we could get the sex over with, pretend we had connected, and get some damn sleep already.
4. Drinking whiskey in order to let my beast out of its iron cage.
5. Maxing out my credit on clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup, dinners, vacations, and cars in order to cover up the fact that I my life felt totally flat and devoid of passion. Added bonus if I could make people jealous of me through this process.
6. Dating nice guys… who I could control.
7. Dumping the nice guys and dating assholes so I could feel something.
If it weren't for Orgasm:
1. I'd be living alone in a one bedroom apartment. On the surface, everything would look the way it "should" be.
2. I'd be only sleeping with married men so I don't have to go for the kind of relationship I wanted—easier to have the unspoken agreement that we are both sleeping with other people than be overt about my desire.
3. My shit is tight. Everything is in it's right place. But there isn't enough clothing, handbags or Botox to fill this deep hunger. But I would never call it hunger—isn't this what women are supposed to be like?
4. I am lonely. I don't describe it that way and I don't give anyone the time of day to feel it. I have no real connection. Everything is based on the surface.
5. My ego has it be that nothing can penetrate me. If you have real TurnON I make you wrong. Secretly make fun of you so I can ensure that nothing will awaken this beast I feel inside of me.
6. My sex is like porn. Fast. Disconnected. And you're never able to see all of me. The place where you enter me, stay still and our souls begin to talk has never happened to me.
7. All in all, things seem right on the surface and nothing in me is ever fed. I serve me instead of others.
Thank you, Orgasm, for quietly and sustainably showing me a different way. Thank you for introducing me to my desire. Thank you to all the people who came before me who have been willing to love me each step of the way.