The 15 Minute Container
by Keith Paolino Sep 17, 2012
first there is a mountain
then there is no mountain
then there is
~ Zen Proverb
As a 'veteran' stroker of almost 4 years, I'm seeing the places in my OM's where old habits I once had as a beginner want to take over again. Now, in my practice, I'm stroking a lot of women who are new, and I see all of the places my ego wants to 'get something' from the OM. I can stroke her so she'll want to love me, fuck me, serve me, and generally 'fix' all of the places my ego thinks I'm broken.
I started in the practice this way, though I didn't have the awareness around it that I have now. I wasn't enough, wasn't loveable, wasn't attractive enough to have sex with, wasn't a good 'catch', blah blah blah. I was striving to be a 'good' stroker, hoping that my strokees would see how great I was and want ME. I would have these stratospheric OM's, leaving us both dripping with sex, clean up the nest, and then look up expectantly, like 'well, clearly we should fuck now, why aren't your clothes on the floor already?' I would give a hug that lasted a little too long to be anything but creepy, and as she walked out the door, wonder what the hell I was doing wrong. I became more resentful. Deepened the belief that no matter what I did, I wouldn't be the guy that the women wanted to fuck.
It was around this time that I started to say 'The hell with it' when my partners would be close to climax at the end of the OM. I started to think that if I took them over that edge, they wouldn't be able to help themselves after; they would be so grateful/thankful/horny that sex would be next. But that pesky 'Time!' bell kept showing up and ruining what I thought was a good plan. On a few occasions I ignored it, and kept going until she either climaxed or it became clear that she wasn't going to (Right about now my Good Little Boy is screaming for me to let you know that it only happened a few times!) What happened next surprised me. I felt this sense of let down. Like I sacrificed my integrity and whether there was 'payoff' or not, it felt crappy. I didn't quite understand why, but I recommitted to the container, and stopped every time that bell rang from then on.
Fast forward a few years, and I'm seeing those temptations rise back up. I feel so much in my OM's at this point, why should I stop at the bell? I'm getting off, they're getting off, what's the harm? Blah Blah Blah. These days I hear these thoughts and understand them for what they are, my ego reminding me that there are places where I'm not taking care of myself, trying to use someone else to satisfy that which I am not satisfying for myself.
And what happens if I don't stop at the bell? On the surface, maybe nothing. Once, twice, there are no repercussions. However, I know the long term effects of not holding the container (and I remember I'm not her only stroker, what if none of us stop at the bell?). My strokees no longer trust me. They may or may not still OM with me, and the sensation drops considerably if they do. Our OM's are flat, devoid of get off; worse, she fakes it, stroking my ego to avoid confronting what we both know is true. She can no longer surrender to the experience, the guardian at the gate cannot take a smoke break, and Orgasm becomes elusive. Without the well-held container, there are no book-ends to being out of control. If it could go on forever, what will happen? Will I fuck everyone I see? Will I quit my job? Leave my husband? Abandon my kids? Become a prostitute? A million reasons not to open her Orgasm, all because I, as the stroker, let my ego become more important than the quality of the shared experience.
I am deeply committed to the container of the OM, and not just because of my responsibility to my strokee and the dance of Orgasm. I understand that when I hold it, I practice holding the sensation that I've built in the OM. That the desire to pull for climax, or trying to get her to make out afterwards is just me trying to dump all of that sensation. When I hold the container solidly, I get to stretch it, pouring a little more sensation in, marveling at how much it can hold without breaking. I get to see how much I can hold, how much electricity I can harness and channel into my desire, my purpose, my life. I remember that an unexpected byproduct of this practice for strokers is cultivating integrity. When I do what I say I will do (follow the steps, stop when time is up), I become a someone trustworthy, dependable, solid. The chaos of the feminine relies of the solid foundation of the masculine to follow Desire. If I can't stop at the bell, what else can't I be counted on for?
So today I will OM, and I'll go into my involuntary, and so will she. When the bell rings, I'll apply pressure, do the towel stroke, share frames and clean up the nest. And we'll both be reminded that the sensation and power we experience in the OM is available on tap every day, in every moment, and we'll do our best to channel that sensation and power into our purpose and our lives, every day, and in every moment.
Exercise for strokers: For the next 30 days, do not ask for a makeout or sex for at least 2 hours after an OM. If she asks to go over time, say an affirmative no, with approval. If she asks to makeout or have sex right after the OM, say no thank you, you are practicing holding the sensation in your body.
The container of OM is one of the most important aspects of the practice. By holding that container both people are able to relax and release into knowing what is going to happen and give all of themselves inside of that 15 minutes. In this way, the practice of OM allows people to open and explore themselves and their orgasm in a sustainable way.