Reviving Sex, Love and Relationship
by OneTaste Living Library May 1, 2012
I have met challenges in practicing OM.
The biggest challenge is that my husband of 20 years feels that I should have an orgasm during the act of sex. Penetration has rarely produced orgasm, and he is more into 'toys' than actually taking the time to get to know my body. I have been a participant in 'faking' it for his benefit. However, I do feel that the act of sex itself, in the way that my husband perceives it to be, is not truly being emotionally connected. It has always been about making sure he is satisfied, but not so much about my pleasure. Again, I was a willing participant, but now I have changed. He is not as receptive as I had expected, I believe it is an ego issue. I keep myself in great shape, working out, have a successful business, and really do enjoy sex. But I need a BIG change from what I have been participating in for all these years. It is about reclaiming my needs. I also notice that since he is now in his 60's, he needs 'help' from a pharmaceutical to have an erection, so needless to say, he is very concerned about his endurance; this creates tension as well.
My question is: How do I get him to be more of a participant instead of feeling like he is an inadequate lover? I would prefer not to tell him that I was 'faking' it all these years- that would really sting. I need him to focus more on setting the mood before sex, not just,
'Are you ready, go get your high heel shoes on, and I will be in shortly.”
That is about as amorous as washing the dishes!
I know that I am not the only person experiencing this issue; I have heard it from my friends, time and time again. They are tired of not being authentic. They just don't realize it. I too am tired of not living an authentic life, and this is part of repairing and loving myself enough to take ownership of the part that I have participated in.
I know that he is observing me taking my power back, and that scares him. Although I have always been the 'rock' in the family, he has always taken ownership in the bedroom. This appears to be threatening to him, me asking for what I need. He sees it as his inability to satisfy me. I see it as being 'real' and not faking it anymore. If I don't have an orgasm during intercourse, he gets very upset, even to the point of not speaking to me. That is one of the reasons I did 'fake' it. I didn't want or need drama in the bedroom.
Well, I refuse to live an inauthentic life now. I have done so in every other aspect of my life, and now it is time to teach him what pleases me. This is a partnership, not one sided.
I will continue to show him what I would like, and see how he responds. Baby steps...
I truly believe that when we reach a certain point in our life, and that point is different for all of us, we realize that we can no longer settle for less than. If it comes from a place in our heart and soul that allows us to reach deep inside, even though it may feel uncomfortable, once we pass through that door, it is almost impossible to go back.
I’ll keep you posted.
Thank you so much for talking me through this. The coaching and class really helped me.
I finally got up the courage to talk about it to my husband. I did it- I introduced him to the OM. At first he was resistant, “Why are we doing things differently?”
But when I was honest with him about my needs and how they were not being met, he was more receptive to the idea. Lets just say that he had a big smile on his face when he left for the office the next day!
It takes two to communicate, and I have taken full responsibility for my part in not expressing my needs and desires many years ago. I made it all about him to ensure he was taken care of, and then of course children came into our lives and everything changed. At that point, I was exhausted and really didn't have the time nor the energy to be fully engaged in a productive sex life. Time marched on, and so did our 'routine'.
He is now beginning to comprehend how important it is for my needs to be met as well as his. He told me that there is nothing more exciting for him than to know that he is taking care of my desires. I am communicating with him during sex rather than just saying what I think he wants to hear to 'get it over with'.
I feel this is the beginning of a whole new relationship for us. I realize that if you only have good sex in common that will not in and of itself define a relationship (been there, done that). However, he was like a new man, complimenting me, saying I was hot, and would come up and kiss my neck for no reason. He is sending me text messages from the office with lots of X's and O's.
Looks like the OM has done it again!
Beneath all of our ideas of what we 'should' and 'shouldn't' do or say...behind our fears of hurting their feelings or losing their love...is a deep desire to be truly seen, felt and heard; to be touched with the most exquisite attention, to have our pleasure be more important than getting the deed done. This is possible. OM: Desire and the fulfillment of desire.