OM Report #15: My Addiction by Yia
by OneTaste Living Library Jan 8, 2012
What I haven’t said:nMy addiction is relationships. A certain type of relationship. The kind where I can rest my feet; where I can crawl into the comforts of a warm familiar body; your body, and find solace. Where I can forget myself and bury myself into the idea of us; two bodies melding into each other and time stands still; the world disappears and there’s nothing but me and you. Just me. Just you. Us. Just your strong hands molding my body into the dream you want it to be, shaping my thoughts into words that will keep you here in this cocoon with me. Us wrapped in a white blanket of nothingness.nnI will abandon myself for you. Abandon myself for the sweet high of your eyes gazing into the depths of me. You studying my hands, my thighs; getting lost in soft smooth skin. I abandon myself for promises of love and comfort. I will abandon myself for the game of finding myself again.nnI feed you words to keep you to me. Project my strength and love to fill the ache in your lonely heart. I pour myself into you, filling every cell in your body so that you are mine; absorbed in me only. All the while… all the while we know you aren’t here to rest in the cocoon of a warm soft body, in hands that can fix your insecurities and eyes that penetrate your fears. You are here to become a man, the man you know is in there, the man that I see when you pull my hair tie lower on my wrist so it doesn’t tighten around my skin, the man who turned the rear view mirror in my direction when you noticed I needed a mirror, the man who surprised me with a bowl of cut up bananas and oranges.nnYou have jewels inside. Diamonds that you let shine in those rare moments, and when they do, everyone sees it and is awestruck by it. I see you. You observe. You see things. You know. You have vision. You said your desire is to wake up. That is what you are here to do. But it won’t be with me. I am here to cross you over but your commitment is not to me. Your commitment is to you. To something bigger than you. I am a peak in your awakening.nnI came to you because I wanted to get lost. You came to me because you wanted to be cracked open. My addiction will lead us there. It will lead you into the best of who you are. I make you my knight, my king. In the world we’ve created I become lost, and you, found.nnThe truth is, I can’t afford you. I can’t afford to pay for your freedom. I can’t afford you emotionally, energetically. My addiction is too strong for me to go into that world with you, carrying us both. I can find my own way out, but I won’t be able to find the way out for both of us. And I want you out here with me, but I can’t do it for you. I play by the laws of desire, and it has to be your true desire that will propel you forward.nnI can’t stay in this place with you forever. And I know this because I’m already starting to need you. No, no, no, no, no, no. Those little thoughts and feelings that I can’t say sneak their way in when you’re buried deep inside me. When you look at me with those eyes piercing into me. When you touch me with your hands. Those feelings flood my heart when the fire in you spreads deeply into my bloodstream. I can’t say them. Not even to myself. I am not allowed to make you mine, to keep you for myself. To need you, to love you. I am addicted. You, my heroine, my hit of gratification, my fuck toy, my little mutt.nnThere will come a day when it is done. When the ride has taken its course. When the stroke has changed. And we will feel it. And I will try to prolong it. I will dance around it. Create illusions to keep you. But they will be dry. I will convince it that there is more, I will draw you deeper in trying to cover the truth. Fool myself. Lie to myself that I have enough for both of us to make it happen.nnAnd then there will come a day when it is time. When we have scraped as much of it as we could to avoid the truth. It will come when you aren’t ready, but you already knew. And I will come to you and say to you “It is time.” And the silence will draw long. The room will spin. The world will become silent. All the particles in the air will stop to listen to the sound of you cracking open, and they will weep with jealousy. Will you fuck me up? You asked once before. No, no. I will fuck you open. Crack you open. A man doesn’t come to me unless he wants to be cracked open. That was why you called. That was why I came. But you will not understand that I did this for both of us. And you will hate me. I will not stay to watch you bleed or cry or get angry. I do not trust myself to be strong. But I will feel the crack in the depths of my bones, the same crack in you also cutting through my heart. You do not crack alone. I will crack with you, which is why I prolonged it. I wanted to avoid the pain. I wanted to steal the illusions and make them my truth. I wanted to keep you inside the pocket of my heart for a day longer. And if I could, I would save a secret place for you there in the fortress we have built. But I must not, and I let go completely.nnAnd there will come a day when it heals in you, and then it will heal in me, or perhaps in me then in you, or perhaps in us. No, no, no. No me, no you. No us. Awake happens and will pull us into her cloak. I don’t know when that day will come. I believe that it will. But for now I cannot promise you that, because right now, I am still cracking open.