Less of a “Nice Guy,” More of a “Mindful Man”
by OneTaste Living Library Dec 17, 2011
One of our most popular classes is The Men's Course, a course where men band together to learn a new set of 'rules” about how to relate to women. Peter Rubin, 26, a designer-turned-reinvention-guide has taken the Men's Course twice! He shares his journey toward becoming less of a “nice guy” and more of a “mindful man.”
Why did you sign up for the OneTaste Men's Course?
I was trying to date unsuccessfully and my interactions with women didn't feel connected or successful. There's a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy. The author Robert Glover talks about the two models of the modern man: the nice guy you don't want to have sex with and the irresistible asshole. I was totally the nice guy. My sex was locked in a box. I didn't want to be the asshole.
I had great interactions with women but if I bought my sexuality into the game I torpedoed my interactions. I wanted help. I read the pick-up artist book The Game and some of that appealed to me. They teach you formulas and tricks and I found it interesting but at a gut level The Game felt gross and manipulative.
Then I heard about The Men's Course. The promise is to learn to how to relate to women in a more authentic way from curiosity and play. Men often interact with women to get a kiss or have sex, and then what? A typical pattern is feeling like you are working toward something, e.g. 'I am not going to be happy with this until she is my girlfriend.' In all these games you sacrifice the pleasure to get somewhere.
What did you do in the class?
The Men's Course is where I learned about the fear inventory. It's a tool for releasing your fears so they don't control you.
We did all these real-life exercises with women. One of them was the 'Polishing Machine.' They put us in pairs with women and we got feedback. The women were turned-on and honest. Through receiving their feedback I could understand more about the tone I was putting out there. I didn't have sex for six months after a bad break-up and I had a sour contracted feeling and I was expressing that again and again. Believing I am not deserving of women or sex was the undertone of what I was conveying. My heart wasn't really open. I need more of a tune-up than I realized.
What was the one thing in The Men's Course that had the most impact on you?
At the end of the class our assignment was to go out in public and give away 2 dozen flowers in an hour to women we are attracted to. At the beginning I was so nervous. I would see a hot girl listening to her iPod and assume she was going to throw the flower back in my face. Then I gave her the flower and she gave me a warm smile. My own fear of being rejected made me project a fear onto the women I am attracted to.
Of course you during this exercise I got rejected 100 times too. I realized I am not being rejected. The offer is being rejected.I am still a valuable human being. The class teaches you to give yourself without holding back and not to be attached to the outcome.
The Men's Course is offered on an ongoing basis. Check here for more info on the course.