The Desire Whisperer

by OneTaste Living Library  Sep 29, 2011

Did you know that desire gets its feelings hurt easily? When it encounters disapproval, rejection or frequent frustration, it tends to go into hiding. In women, especially, the desire for orgasm has often met with more discouragement than it can tolerate. Masculine sexual desire is robust enough to withstand quite a lot of adversity, but in women this desire tends to be more delicate. When it takes fright, it can flee to a place so deep and distant that for all intents and purposes it appears to have gone extinct.nnOne way to work with shy desire is to leave it alone for awhile and focus on desires that, in your mind, have nothing to do with it. Make a list of your everyday turn-ons—things that engage and enliven you and bring you joy. What items on that list have you been depriving yourself of lately? Start treating yourself to some little experience that turns you on every day. It can be as trivial as wearing some earring that you have been saving for a special occasion, or taking fifteen minutes off to people-watch while sipping an espresso. Savor the turn-on.nnNotice what happens in your body as you do. Stay with it until a feeling of gratitude washes over you. Be grateful to the desire itself for leading you to this place of enjoyment. Gratitude is how you console desire that has gotten its feelings hurt. Feeling fully appreciated, even in a very small way, encourages it to come out of hiding.nnYou may find that even some of these small desires are unattainable for practical reasons, or perhaps feel forbidden for some mysterious psychological reason. You might love to get a massage, but you truly can’t afford it, or fear you would feel so guilty about spending the money that you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. When that happens, look for an easily attainable desire that has the same quality. If you can’t treat yourself to a massage, have a bubble bath.nnBeing obliged to make substitutions is actually a good thing because it loosens up fixation. You learn to start seeing in terms of qualities rather than objects. All manner of specific objects may be out of reach, but qualities are always attainable.nnIf a substitution doesn’t satisfy, you probably haven’t been precise enough about the quality you are after. For instance, if the quality you want is relaxation, a long soak in the tub can work just as well as a massage. But maybe what you really want from a massage is the quality of being lovingly attended to by another person. In that case, you could substitute having your hair shampooed, or going to one of those restaurants where the waitress keeps refilling your coffee cup for free. The important thing is to honor whatever quality proposes itself to you as a desire.nnOrgasmic desire that has gone into hiding may be guarded by a lot of fears. It may be that you can’t even form a realistic picture of its satisfaction that isn’t hedged about by worries. You can picture being captured by sexy pirates, but not undressing in front of an actual guy who is going to see your actual cellulite. Full blown desire is undaunted by worries like that. If you can’t imagine getting past them, your desire isn’t yet ripe. Be patient. Make friends with whatever small part of it is ready to come out of hiding. Give it the imaginary pirates if that is all it can handle right now.