f**k My Heart Was Racing—Confronting Hot Fears and Taboos in OM By Rosa

by OneTaste Living Library  Sep 13, 2011

I was initially attracted to OneTaste because of the material it offers around relationship and man-woman dynamics. I began distance coaching over the phone with one of OneTaste's Slow Sex Coaches. We spoke about my most recent relationship and places I had gotten stuck and why it ended. We also explored how I would have liked the experience to be different which gave me a glimpse that more is possible in my sexuality and how I relate to men. When I came to San Francisco in July 2011 to participate in a OneTaste course, I did not intend to try OM. My coach suggested it but I was fairly resistant. I remember telling a course participant, 'I am only going to do the normal stuff.'nnThe OneTaste course had a depth that activated a boldness in me that was, at the time, unusual. Toward the end of the week of the course all of the participants, including myself, had an opportunity to be guided through an OM with a certified trainer. It was a pivotal moment. I could have turned away and gone into my fear and story. Instead I made the decision to do it! I remember once the OM nest (pillows arranged to make the experience comfortable) was set up, my OM partner—a new and now close friend I had made through the week—and the trainer were ready to go. I was standing looking down at them on the floor with my hands clasping either side of my underwear. I thought to myself, “F it, let's do this!”nnSince then OM has become a central part of my life and I count it as important as regular exercise, eating well and having good sex. OM gives me an unparalleled amount of energy and makes me feel soft and loving when I've been pissed and/or grumpy. Then on top of that I realize there is a kind of alchemy happening in my system, moving me toward a kind of self-realization that one expects from any “practice” like yoga. While this is great, the reason I have been able to keep up with my OMing is because of the more immediate benefits. I'm telling you, I wish that yoga and other things that are good for me were as satisfying.nnWhen I first laid down to OM I had a lot of fears in the back of my mind that I was trying to ignore. My heart was racing, my body was slightly contracted and I was breathing more heavily than usual—but I was trying to be cool.nnI really didn't know what to expect. Whether it would be pleasurable or awkward. The intensity of the heat and energy in my body rose as I watch “my stroke”' position himself properly, put on gloves, and place a small amount of lube on his index finger and thumb. Then I waited and he said, “I'm-going-to-touch-you-now.” That's called “safeporting”: where the person you're with tells you what they're going to do before they do it, and I really love that part of the practice. It makes me feel so comfortable, and I'd like every sexual partner for the rest of my life to do that.nnI giggled a lot through my first OM. My mind was caught on the strange ridiculousness of what I was doing. I'm sure it was also nerves. I tend to laugh to dissipate my energy when I feel a little overwhelmed or uncomfortable.nnThe light, delicate touch had a lot of sensation in it for me. More than I usually felt in harder, faster kinds of sex. Having the OM trainer there was at first unusual, although I got over that after a few more sessions. OMing has made me realize how much our ideas about sex are from conditioning. This was a liberating realization for me.nnThe trainer also encouraged me to make specific requests about where my partner should place his finger like “could you please move slightly to my left?” Making this kind of request feels so good. It's so warm and polite, and the requests are so well received—what a relief.nnWhat taboo does OMing break for me? What does it feel like to break a taboo? This list could be so long for me and for most women who OM.nnHere are a few that stand out for me:n

    n
  • Asking directly for what I want. The taboo that women should not talk openly about sex or ask for what they want. This gets addressed in OM directly as I learn to ask my stroker to stroke me in exactly the way that I like to be stroked. Making requests is scary and exhilarating at the same time because I get to feel all of the anticipation and hot fear in the moment leading up to making the request, and then I feel all of the release and satisfaction of making the ask, having the request land in a way that feels good (often when I wasn't expecting it too). It's so simple and freakin' delicious. It's kind of like learning to enjoy doing things that feel scary.
  • n
  • Being a woman who wants more pleasure. The biggest source of shame for me around OM is the fear that women are not meant to have a high sex drive or a lot of sexual hunger. I feel extremely vulnerable when I'm telling someone about the practice because it's basically like admitting that I have a deep hunger, and not only that, but I'm also taking responsibility for feeding it, rather than leaving it up to a man. I know this can become a liberating position to be in. Knowing that “I am feeding my own hunger—I have a high sex drive!' and saying it with conviction and pride. I’m getting there!
  • n
  • Never lying about my desires. In OM, when I'm stroked I don't have to lie about the way an OM feels. In fact, I'm specifically asked to tell the truth. That is, to only speak about sensations when conveying how it felt for me, rather than ending the OM by saying 'That was fing amazing, the best OM I've ever had!' I feel I can be completely honest.
  • n